Monday, April 11, 2005

Who Wants Their Teeth Done by the Marquis de Sade?

At least the chair was comfortable.

And I was so tired. Late movie, coughing jags, weird dreams, children's bathroom trips, all succeeded in trimming my sleep time to, oh, about 3 hours last night.

I was to have the second part of my root canal done today. Now that the swelling was down and the penicillin a memory. I climbed up in that comfy chair, laughed and joked with the dental tech and the Quack Dentist himself, got numbed (not in the 'nummy-nummy' way, but with shot-o-Novacaine) and promptly fell asleep to the mid-80s Muzak piped in over my head.

So I was pretty relaxed when Quack approached me with a silver tray of what can only be described as circular metal nail files. Yes, to go up in my tooth. YES. Uh-huh. Okay. And it was alright, actually, until he went a leeeeeeeeeeeet-tle too far up there, and...

FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHCK!!!

BLOODY FUCKIN' 'ELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Was he trying to stab my eyeball from behind?

Didn't he know I have to house a brain in the space above my jawline???????

FUCK.

"Little pain?", he asked.

I whimpered like a nursing puppy. "Unh-Hunh."

He let up on the file a bit...just a wee bit.

And two classic movie scenes popped into my head.

1) Bill Murray telling Steve Martin (aka, Dr.Orin Scrivello...D.D.S.)..."I think I need a root canal. A very slow, very painful root canal."

2) Laurence Olivier standing over Dustin Hoffman, quizzing him, "Is it safe?"

Is it safe? Is it SAFE, Muthafucka? Can you just stop now? Can you? CAN YOU JUST STOP?!?!

After it was all over, I slunk to my car, no more chatty to the staff than a day-old pancake, and coughed my lungs out. (Still have the cold/cough thing, the Quack is DARN lucky I didn't cough while he had all those tools and fingers in my mouth...he'd be digit-less.) I treated myself to a lovely strawberry milkshake on the way back to work, where I sit now, gingerly sucking down the sweet fruity goodness (on the good side of my mouth, the mouth with not-so-much-drool), and I can only think to myself as I tenderly lick the new filling,

Is It Safe?

2 Comments:

At 1:56 PM, Blogger Sergei C. said...

Poor kid.

 
At 3:29 PM, Blogger Julie said...

Your dentist is seriously a quack. I've had two root canals, and the dentist (endodontist, in fact--I hope it wasn't your family dentist?!?) was FASTIDIOUS about making sure I was numb--and if I felt any pain, they stopped and re-numbed me.

Also, what's this thing about "second part"? Both of mine were one-shot deals. Perhaps another sign that your dentist is a quack.

Please, please, there are more interesting ways to experiment with S&M. Get yourself to a better dentist.

 

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