Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Things Overheard in the ER Last Night, 7 to 10 p.m.

(Me): Why did I bring so much shit? Two books and soda and a damn coat, they musta moved me like 4 times. I must really be sick or else they wouldn't have shuffled me back so quickly. Fuck. Jeezus, my face is swelled up like fucking Elephant Man. Damn dentist, I'm gonna kill that mutherfucker.

(Man at End of Hall): AAHHHHHH!!!!

(Doctor, to mangled patient 5 feet from my gurney): So, were you drinking, or taking drugs when you fell down the stairs?

(Nurse, to me): I'm going to need 3 vials of blood, sweetie. Oh, and take this, it's an antibiotic.

(Man at End of Hall): HELP! URGH! PLEASE! SOMEBODY HELP MEEEEE!!!

(Old Man Across Hall): Hey! Hey! My feet are cold!

(Doctor, to Man at End of Hall): So, how long have you had these suicidal thoughts?

(Man at End of Hall): AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

(Patient in Room Beside Me): Beep...beep...beep....

(Doctor, to mangled patient 5 feet from my gurney): We're gonna take you down now for a CAT scan. You'll be alright.

(Paramedics, to Girl on BackBoard wheeled in where mangled patient 5 feet from my gurney was): We know it's uncomfortable, just let them check you out first. Is there someone we can call?

(Old Man Across Hall): Next person that passes my room without covering up my feet is gonna die!

(Nurses Passing with Trays and Glasses of Water): Room C, then Dr. Weingold needs me in E.

(Man at End of Hall): Hey! Hey! Where is everybody???

(3 College Girls, to Girl on Backboard 5 feet from me): And when the softball hit your face, you just went down, BOOM!, like a sack of cement, and the whole crowd just sorta went....(GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASP).

(Nurse to Old Man Across Hall): We're gonna take you down to XRay now.

(Old Man Across Hall): Unnnunnnnhhhhnnhhhh.

(Man at End of Hall): (Doctor walks in with big bag, takes off his coat, closes the door. Man is quiet now.)

(Girl on Backboard 5 feet from me): This HUURTS...(crying)...can someone please, PLEASE get this thing off my back?

(Patient in Room Beside Me): Beep...beep...beep....

(Doctor to Me): Here's a scrip for Penicillin. And one for Vicodin. See your dentist tomorrow, he may have to do another root canal to drain the infection.

(Me): Hoo-kay.

(Nurse to Me): I'll show you to the pharmacy.

(Me): Thank you.

3 Comments:

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Kelly D said...

YOU ARE A RIOT! LOVE YOUR BLOG! I ALMOST SPIT COFFEE ALL OVER AS I READ IT! MY KINDA GAL!!!
Kelly
jamymad@comccast.net

http://knittingandthings.blogspot.com
http://kellyscreativejewelry.blogspot.com

 
At 2:17 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

YOU GOT VICODIN?! ;)

Just glad you're okay. That is one hell of a screenplay! I hope I never end up in there.

The old man with the cold feet is hilarious! Yeah, you have a ceiling fan blade imbedded in your forehead, but he's got COLD FEET, DAMMIT!

 
At 10:03 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Yeah, and the Vicodin TOTALLy made me upchucky and belly-exploding-feeling. Oh, and dizzy. Thank you, Mr. ER Doctor Sir, for telling me THIS! I had to wait until the next day when I literally PASSED OUT in the '2nd Opinion' Dentist's chair and held a barf-bucket to my head until sweet Sergei came to take me home.

Oh, and the old man with cold feet DID look like he'd been sliced in the noggin a few times with a ceiling fan...Pisser, how did you know?!?!? (I left out the part about how he reeked of whiskey as they rolled him down the hall...a big huge cloud of it hit my face as he passed...ah-HA!).

 

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