Friday, April 15, 2005

Fried On Friday

Every Friday for the past, oh, 5 years or so, the Serglets and their parents celebrate the end of the school/work week by indulging in fast food. Ah, glorious food of the gods! While the choosing of the grease-bucket-buildings takes the kids quite a while ("I want Burger King!" "NO! I want McDonalds!" "And Wendys! A Frosty at Wendys!"), I usually indulge the fam in 2 or 3 choices. The parents are able, because of age and ...oh request take-out from actual restaurants, as long as it's fast. All this order-taking and running around takes me quite a while to accomplish. Especially 'cause everyone and their goddam brother gets fast food at EXACTLY the same time I do. Piss.

I have come up with some personal rules, though:

1) No Chili at Wendys. Okay, I know, the lady that 'found the finger' probably put it there, she's tried suing other big companies, she's a fucking loony. Sheah!!!! Ya didn't notice an inch-and-a-half-long FINGER on yer spoon before you put it in yer mouth???? What, did ya buy a gallon of the stuff and stick a garden trowel in there and shove it in yer maw??? Fucking bitch, thanks a helluva lot for ruining MY glorious chili buzz at Wendys. Lady, you can suck the wind outta my jigglin' ass for all your trouble. Cunny wench.

2) Onion rings...always get the biggest size box you can find, and ALWAYS get the sauce. Even though I burp and fart like a burping-and-farting-type-sailor, I HAVE to eat as many of these delicate o-rings as I can. (O-Rings...suddenly I thought of cock-rings, and I'm not sure I can order the onion variety tonight without trying them on Sergei, to see if they 'fit'. Heh heh, be warned.)

3) McDonalds has gender-specific toys. Yeah! Get them! Run like bloody hell right over there NOW. "One boy one girl" happy meal toys make for fewer fights, lots of sharing, and I get to play with twice the variety.

4) Always get the drive-thru stuff LAST. If you really want Chinese, or that spit-roasted chicken at the specialty place, or the juicy steak sand that begs leaving your car for, do that first. Fast food is chemically created to turn to frozen lead in approximately 5 minutes. No more, no less. Besides, it'll ensure that you don't eat all the fries and onion rings whilst visiting the other stops. (See 2 above, for rings....)

5) Shakes are dessert. They are not a beverage. It's ICE CREAM AND MILK, and something fake to flavor them. Frostys are the same thing, only rock hard and only chocolate. You will get these frozen concoctions ONLY after you have cleaned up your plate young man! Young lady! (Note: if you're eating alone, this rule is totally null and void. Drink away! Ya might wanna splash some rum in there, too, why not?!?!)

6) If you have kids, only order the smallest size meal for yourself. We make Fridays a picnic by plopping down in front of the television with our greasy bags of carby goodness. And if something really fun is on, like, oh, Spongebob, or the Munsters (they should have spelled it 'Muensters', cause those shows were SO cheesy), the kids won't eat much anyway. You'll have their half-plates of food to devour 'cause there's starving kids in China and you CAN'T throw away food! Travesty!

7) Make sure there's beer in the fridge. Because it's FUCKING FRIDAY, that's why!

Have a good weekend, y'all!


At 3:53 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

Adorable! Do you have to go around to 3 different places just to get everyone's order...?

Ah! You should like my post next week, then ;)

I quite agree, except for a few tiny things:
a) a fried onion is NOT a cockring. Wouldn't the hot oil burn the Mr...?
b) Shakes are too a beverage! And heh, the girl's in TX spike their Sonic Cherry Limeade ;)
c) I thought a Frosty was some weird choco-vanilla hybrid.

And I think my dad hasn't ordered for himself for the past 15 yrs. He just hoovers up what everyone else didn't eat!

At 8:06 PM, Blogger Sergei C. said...

Ladies and gentlemen, meet my sweet, sweet, enabler.

At 10:03 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Yeah, 3 different places...and sometimes 4 if I can only 'scratch my own itch' with something that no one else wants (mmm...bare naked chicken salad...ooh, I'm all a-quiver!).

Thanks for the warning on the o-ring oil/potential burns, Pisser. Sergei thanks you too (whew! that was a close one!)!

At 1:34 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

yesssir, ma'am! those are rules to live by.

currently I'm on a "no fast food" diet doesn't really work so well, because it's like quitting smoking: I don't order my own fast food anymore, but there's no friggggggin way I'm leaving that 3-bites-gone cheesburger just sitting there...all lonely-like. poor lil fella...
damn diets.

yaay for beer on friday nights, though!!

At 9:23 PM, Blogger Marcheline said...

I'm wishing I'd found your blog a long time ago, but I'm also thinking how cool it is that I found it now.... tons of cool backblogs to catch up on!



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