Thursday, October 06, 2005

The Uneven Parallel Boobies

Human beings are supposed to be somewhat symmetrical, side to side. The left side of your body should match the right side, vice-versey, and the equator-divider ends up being the septum under our nose, cleavage, that little line of hair on a guy that extends all the way down to the promised land, oh lawd I love that.

But see, nature is a cruel bitch. She don't care much for symmetry, when it gets right down to it. So we end up with a salt-and-pepper duo instead of two perfect pink coconutty sno-balls made from some damn fine machine.

I remember reading some study that took pictures of peoples' faces, divided them exactly in half, and mirror-reflected each half to see what an entirely symmetrical representation of each side of the face would be. In each case, they found that most people, when divided down the middle, looked like two different people, or at least one happy person and one pretty pissed-off person. Only freaky people like models, who had near-perfect symmetry, looked gaw-geous both ways.

My boobs.

Oh, sorry, did I forget to segue? (NOT "Segway", I can't think of a more useless thing to own in Michigan.)


Speaking of symmetry, or I guess, the lack thereof, I was thinking about my boobs tonight. They were just sittin' here, I looked down to say 'hi', and I realized something. My breasteses are more symmetrical now than when I was a young lass.

Back in the teen and college years, my right breast was smaller than my left. And I'm right-handed. Maybe I squished that sucker down by writing too much?

Or I was turning into an arrow-shooting Amazon Woman?

Anyway, then I got older, and popped out two kids, gaining and losing weight several times, breast feeding, etc. Some wonderful hormone musta been tripped along the way, and now I can hold a breast in each hand and cup them exactly the same. I have no gaps in one side of my bra. They're real, and they're spectacular.

Is this just me?

Does anyone else have a bigger goody-bag on one side, a distended yarble, somethin'? Can anyone else but you tell?

Oh, yeah, and speaking again of boobs, go donate some money to Breast Cancer Research at the Boobie-Thon. Both Lisa and Orange have submitted photos, and QWMaine,! All I can say is...hhhhuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhh. (Didn't get my photo up in time. May just have to donate this year, the 'Thon ends this week.) Anyone else with 'Thon photos?


At 12:07 PM, Blogger Ms. Sheila Whotiger said...

One of mine is slightly bigger. Also when my babies were nursing they had a favorite, all three prefered the same one, so apparently they produce different milk?
My little sister-in-law has one breast that is significantly higher than the other. She is very good natured about it, and says stuff like what if I just stand around like this, and she leans waaayyy over.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger Orange said...

I'm all about the left side. Bigger left boob, bigger left foot, stronger left eye. And the left underarm? Grows less hair. Go figure.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

I used to be perfectly symmetrical to the naked (heh) eye, but now I think Lefty is ahead by a nipple in the race to my waist.


At least I'm not my friend who insisted on wearing tight shirts & stuffing one bra cup to appear even remotely equal...

At 7:17 PM, Blogger gypsy said...

I'll much bigger on the right. Doesn't make me walk funny anymore, but it was bad when I was a teen. I liked those jog-bra shaped bikini tops, and they liked to highlight my lopsidedness. Word from the wise: don't try to pad one side of your jog bra shaped swimsuit with TP. Wet TP is a bad thing to get loose at the public pool.

At 10:11 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

my symmetry issue is my balls are bigger than my head...

hmmm that actually seems to have some deeper meaning. That's a nice extra treat.

But my balls are bigger than my head.

At 10:37 PM, Blogger Orange said...

So, you can't wear pants, TAN, just kilts? And Gypsy, that's good information to have; thank you for the warning.

At 11:51 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Ms. Sheila: Was one white milk and one chocolate?

Orange: Your left side is like some superhero! (And I'd pay good moola to see TAN in a kilt!)

Pisser: Oh, mine are a-racin' as well, and I've waved the red flag and everything, but nope...they keep their 'eyes' on the prize...!

Gypsy: Ooh. I remember in grade school, how kids would take a wad of wet toilet paper and throw them at the bathroom ceiling and they'd STICK there, and harden like wallpaper paste. (shudder)

TAN: I think you should pose a photo of both the balls and your head, and let me see if that's true.


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