Thursday, June 02, 2005

I Slapped Her Face, Hard...And Later There was Fruit

I woke up with a crazy dream in my head.

Unlike Sergei, who can write about his dreams in great detail, it's rare that I remember the specifics about my dreams. Usually it's just a fleeting moment of one aspect of the! underpants! wet dripping sex! hummus!

But last night I had a dream so vivid I just had to relate it today.

Because I punched out Katie Holmes.

Sweet little 5'9" Katie Holmes. Tom Cruise's latest little Scientology-approved sex toy.

I have nothing against her, really, other than she's too cute to be MY friend. There's something wrong with that girl, but I can't quite...think...what...OH! She's dating Tom Cruise! And her teeth are too big! I want to crack that smile of hers.

Which leads me to the dream.

I was in a factory that was open air, in the mud. We were doing a play. My daughter was...gasp, shock, horror...Katie Holmes, about age 16. She and I were having a typical mother-teen daughter spat, she refusing to comply with the simplest of demands, acting snotty, talking rubbish. She was dating an older guy who was just a shadow in the corner, but I knew he was bad news. Katie/daughter plopped herself down in front of me and proceeded to tell me everything she hated about me, in a whiny bitch of a voice, her chin all stuck out tauntingly. I listened for half a minute, then I wound up my right arm and hit that bitch across the face...HARD. Her head hit the wall she was sitting beside, and I heard a satisfying *thunk*, and gave myself a 'good job' for a) not hearing bones actually breaking, and 2) for hitting her hard enough to shake her brain stem.

My right ring finger had a huge snail ring, about the size of a golf ball. I briefly thought how much better the slap would have been if the snail had made contact with her cheek, a scar reminder of when she finally pissed off her mother.

Katie/daughter recoiled from the slap and sat dazed for a while. Then she got teary and shouting (what else?) "I HATE you!", ran off. I felt like a dowager queen. Bitch deserved it! I walked away over rows of freshly plowed earth, and over to a craft services table, where I felt just the tiniest bit guilty. I didn't have to hit her, did I?

Well, yes, I did.

Wicked buckets of mom-guilt later, I sought her out to apologize. I found her standing at an old tractor with a paper plate loaded down with fruit...melons, strawberries, pineapple, totally full. She had no mark on her face, and looked placid and relaxed. I approached her and she stiffened only a little (out of fear I'd hit her again? or fear I'd take her fruit?). I looked her in the eyes and rubbed her arms and said in my best sorry-mom voice, "I shouldn't have hit you. I'm sorry."

"That's okay!" she said cheerfully. "Want some fruit?"

And we ate. And walked. And talked. About nothing. And it was all fine.

But nevertheless, I woke up feeling a mixing bowl of emotions: rage, embarrassment, supreme power, guilt, love, extreme love.

I think I'm having issues with Tom Cruise.

Anybody want to join me?


At 12:43 PM, Blogger Maine said...

You leave Katie alone!!

At 6:39 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

You bitch-slapped Katie wearing brass knuckles, eh?

Ha ha, you're my kind of mom :)

At 7:40 PM, Blogger Bear said...

Punches should be like grapes, and potato chips... they should never come in 'ones'.. if yer gonna hit'em, hit'em until they don't grow right!! Especially if they're Katie Holmes!

Mona, you go girl! Go witch'yo bad, bad, seff!!

At 11:14 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Maine: I get the feeling you love her. L-U-V her. I think I need to hear YOUR Freebie Lays List, man!

Pisser: I'm debating whether or not to tell girl-child this when she's about, oh, 12 years old, to scare the beejeebus outta her early and teach her some manners, dammit!

Bear: Heeee! Yer right! Next time I'll let loose! (In my dreams, I mean. In real life I'm a lover, not a fighter. Until I'm sufficiently pissed off, that is...!)

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

I am with you--although that doesn't surprise me, co-pea (in a pod, get it? god, i'm a spaz...)

anywho, I have issues with them, too. watched his stooopid interview on Oprah. wanted to smack him, too. (yes, in a bedroom sorta way, wink wink)

At 3:33 PM, Blogger Orange said...

According to the Star, Tom and Katie are talking marriage already. What, before she wises up?

At 9:13 AM, Blogger Marcheline said...

Tom Cruise? Ick. Never did a thing for me. He deserves to spend the rest of his life (which in Hollywood means oh, about three months) shackled to Katie Holmes, someone quite possibly as annoying as him and his fellow Scientology brainwashees.

Saw a girl's boxing championship on TV the other day - there was this chick Mahmood who wore a spiked dog collar and was a dead ringer for Tom Cruise. I mean, really. She looked like Tom Cruise's inbred brother - the eyes were a little close together, but the schnoz was right on. ScarEEEEEEEE! She also got the snot beat out of her. I had fun pretending it actually WAS Tom Cruise. Hah!

At 12:06 AM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Lisa: I LOVE 'co-pea'! Damn, yer good! (she said in the non-sexual way but leaving the door open for....)

Orange: Oh please let Katie wake up and realize this isn't some funny's NOT funny!

Marcheline: I had a crush on Tom Cruise in college for all of about 5 minutes when I saw 'Risky Business'. The rest of his career licks ballsacs. I've gotta see these boxing chicks you mentioned! What channel and when? We sometimes find sumo, but hot chicks in dog collars tops that, I think!

At 7:44 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

Do you normally wear a door-knocker as a ring? ;)

At 1:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You didn't punch her hard enough. She was on the cover of Us Weekly.


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