Tuesday, April 19, 2005

It's Sex-shul Choc-lit, Baby

There's half-nekked folks running around outside! Sweaty and dancing! Heathen lust oozing out of their tight un-wrinkly pores! Sexy sex sex everywhere!

It's finally spring ('bout damn time) and yesterday it hit the mid 70s. Today is supposed to be even hotter. After getting tangled up in my sweater yesterday afternoon whilst trying to strip the sopping wet garment from my body, I decided today to bare my legs (bear legs...grrr...thank goodness I shaved recently, otherwise I'd look like two saguaros rubbing together and causing all sorts of nastiness and people crossing the street so they didn't have to walk past such a hideous display of pasty white pickery skin).

Ooh, do I feel SEXY today!

I have a skort on, which still fits from last summer (so I feel somewhat smug even through the massive holiday eating machine that was my mouth). My legs are restless and keep crossing and uncrossing, I swear I'm not doing it consciously. They just want to see my office! They want to see the sun! They want to semi-flash my boss during our weekly meeting...woo-hoo! It's not MY fault, ya understand, it's the weather!

And the drunken hoards of college students are filling up the sidewalks and playing football in the street and laying on blankets on front lawns with bikinis the size of string-cheese wrappers. I ogle the men. Hell, I ogle the women! Not in the 'wow, I'd do HER' kinda way (although I sometimes DO do that, 'cause...DAMN!..., and if Sergei is around I nudge him and nod towards the bodaciousness), but in the 'how many miles a day would I have to run to get THOSE legs?' kind of way.

College guys run in packs, and they scare me worse than wild dogs. 'Cause wild dogs don't set couches on fire when they're drunk, and wild dogs don't crank up the same Nelly tune 5 times in a row just cause it's bitchin', and wild dogs don't pee on the corner of the neighbor's house. Okay, well, forget that last part, wild dogs DO piss anywhere they want, they're just not doin' it with a blue plastic cup of Bud in their paws and a 3 inch long cigarette ash sticking outta their maws.

But tell me something...ladies...gentlemen...what the HELL is it with tube tops? They're back with incredible vengeance, and next to 8-inch-fuck-me-pumps are the most uncomfortable, scary, wiggly things a female can wear! I've fallen out of tube tops before, and at least then I was younger and had less up top to fall out! Ya think I'm gonna tempt fate with my mommy-sized boobies NOW? I'd scare children and old men everywhere I went! Even the Target flyer in the Sunday paper had a page with tube tops and halter tops...oh god!...so now my old Aunt Ethyl can think she's hip.

I'll say this once:

Tube tops are only attractive on 1% of the population.

This population includes:

1) Skinny models who need the form-fittingness to display the small bumps that are their boobs
2) Pamela Anderson and the ilk who, frankly, amaze and allure me with the size of their cups...I swear, I CANNOT look above this woman's bust line, I feel like a guy, with drool and everything (oh, is THAT another post)
3) Guys

Guys? Yeah, uh-huh, there was a music video I recall from a few years ago with some geek band of half a dozen geek boys singing about tube tops and prancing happily around a city-scape modeling tube tops. THEY were sexy. No doubt.

Tube tops. Yes or No?


At 2:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno, I think if you like a wide variety of body types, tube tops become attractive on a wider variety of people. Same for low rider jeans. A lot of people complain about people who wear low riders and have love handles flopping over them. I kinda like it.

The thing that makes tube tops sexy is the implication that you could pop out of them at any minute. They say, "with one facile gesture, I could be topless and on your lap." I have to keep reminding myself that they are not saying that *to me*.

The year I dropped out of high school I played strip poker with some friends of mine. One woman was naked after a single hand, because she was only wearing tights and a t-shirt to begin with. At the time I didn't think she was the sexiest person there, but in retrospect I think she was.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Sergei C. said...

From now on, I am not "oggling chippies," I am "trying to confirm or dispel your observations, dear."

At 3:40 PM, Blogger Cecil B. said...

Ha. Tube tops and those little skirts are in fact only attractive on 1% of the population. They should make laws against selling them to bohemuths. That sounds awful, but who likes to see stretch marks hanging out the bottom of a short tight shirt. Or catch a glimpse of what you think might be a skirt flashing, and realize those are just her gelatinous, cellulite filled thighs resembling grandmas....

The best though, not tube tops falling down, but these little tiny frilly skirts on blustery days. Don't you get it, the wind lifts them up. A lot.

And I refrain from pissing on houses with a butt in my mouth. Had an accident one time.

At 3:44 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Ogle away, Sergei! I'll even drive you down the streets where the hottest and most do-able chippies hang out!

(Also...I actually have a tank top at home...I really do...I'll put it on later and jiggle around the house...boom-chikka-boom-chikka-boom.)

At 5:02 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

Ogling sPamela? Good god, girl. Like, you need soft focus lens...or Hep C ;P

It's no wonder I'm not married. I would make my husband wear a tube top as a blindfold.

At 8:57 PM, Blogger Charles said...

Tube Tops rock!!

Even on the hefty girls!

I fall in to the 'guy' status and have been known to run in packs with other bachlor men. We never got chicks as a pack. Now I know why. And yes, we were very, very obnoxious but in an obnoxious way.

At 10:06 PM, Blogger Cynical Girl said...

One woman's tube top is another woman's girdle.

At 5:07 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

GREAT IDEA. Now if only I could fit one over my ass...

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Didja watch the premiere of "Stacked"? I'm pretty damn straight, but Pamela Anderson's bosom was absolutely the highlight of the show. She really shows the starlets how to do the whole breast-implants thing. Big and bodacious, and invest in a high-quality surgeon so you don't end up with hard half-melons and noticeably asymmetrical nipples.

At 10:14 AM, Blogger Elysia said...

Man, these comments went from tube tops to the tank!

While it's bad enough considering fat people in thin people's clothing, the thought of poorly done surgery and asymmetrical anatomical parts is just too much to handle before my second cup of coffee.... ugh!

Tube tops belong on 14 year old girls. I had one when I was 14, and it looked really cute. It was lavender colored, and all shirred, with a ruffle at the top and one at the bottom. Very, very cute. Perfect for a 14 year old.

Regardless of how in shape people are after 30, they just look silly wearing kid's clothes. Like they're trying to hang on to something that you just can't hang on to. I really wish the clothing designers would stop trying to make us all look like Shitney Spears and design some clothing that compliments the age that we are. Sure, it can be sexy, and form fitting - so were the dresses of the 1940's - now THAT was class!

At 1:27 PM, Blogger Okapi said...

Tube top with little or no boobage = good.

Tube top with larger lady spread = bad. Very bad. They get all flattened down and just look sad and miserable, as if forced down a route they do not want to take. I go with happy bazoombahs every time.

S'my two cents.


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