Friday, June 03, 2005

The Penis Flap

Some time between 2nd and 4th grades, my mother decided I needed domesticating. She began teaching me the fine art of being a clever, helpful housewoman. Which of course included learning how to wash dishes, dust, bake cookies, sew (by hand and machine), carve cunning little animals out of bars of Ivory soap (4-H, y'all, and don't laugh...I won a ribbon at the county fair with that thing! The height of pathetic crafts!).

And laundry. My most favoritest thing. It didn't require muscle, I loved the smell of the detergent and fabric softener, the machines were warm and soothing, and I liked to do a 'laying of hands' on them to get a vibraty feeling all through my gutiwuts. (I still like doing that, albeit with Sergei riding me like a two-fer at the pony ranch.) I liked folding laundry, the methodical, careful way of sorting and folding and stacking and putting away that probably fed my nasty anal laundry habits to this day.

So it shocked my Hushpuppies off when, at age 16, I made a huge discovery at the laundry basket.

Folding up a pair of my brother's "tidy whities", I accidentally looped one finger in the penis flap. I thought at first I tore a hole in it, but upon closer examination, I realized the manufacturers put a flap there. What? Was this right? No, it had to be just my brother's underwear. Cause MY underwear didn't have a flap of any kind, either fore or aft.

My mom was close by, and without thinking, I blurted out, "Hey mom, what's with this flap in Junior's underwear?"

It's an understatement to say my mom was surprised. She looked at me like I had a naked, dancing leprechaun on my head. "Uh, all men's underwear have them. Boys and men. Makes it easier to pee. know...just stick it out there and through the zipper in their pants, and...uh...pee."

What? The? Bloody? Fuck? Why hadn't I noticed this before? Why, after the hundreds of pairs of underwear I'd folded in my years did I never see that? (And why do they call it a 'pair' when it's just one it because a 'pair' of ballsl fit in there?)

From thence on, I have marveled at the mechanics and construction of men's underwear.

In college I, of course, did the quasi-rebellious girl/boy bending and wore men's boxers as shorts. VERY comfortable, I must say, especially if you can get away with not wearing underwear underneath. (DON'T cross your legs if you do this, and I mean it, young lady, 'cause even if you have a well-hidden furry cootchie, or even a totally shaved one, men will see your *sideways taco*. They will. Don't say I didn't warn ya.)

Men I dated (read "fucked") in college exposed me to various specimens of boxers, speedos, and interesting garments with animal faces (okay, so it was an elephant, and you put your penis in the 'trunk', and when you prance around in front of the guy, the elephant lifts his nose up and you can hear vague "Wild Kingdom' pachyderm sound effects....PPPPPPPPPPPFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFAAAAAAAAAAHHH.) Briefs were mostly seen, they're 3 for $5 in any grocery store, c'mon.

I liked boxers a lot, they allow for greater angle in the dangle, more peek-age. Plus...ooh!...pretty colors and patterns! Cartoon characters and glow-in-the-dark sexual innuendo!

Goin' commando is it's own reward, really, sorta anti-climactic once you drop trou.

After a while, though, seeing the various conditions and types of underwear, I grew innured to its charm. I was more concerned about what was underneath. It's sort of like woman's lingerie. I can put on something lacy and sexy, but if Sergei's around, it doesn't stay on long. So what's the point? Except the teasing factor if you're at a fancy dinner party or serious adult function like law school graduation. Sommit like that.

I do, however, have an appreciation for a type of men's underwear that's a bit late to the party. Boxer briefs. Ooh, wait, I'm having a little orgasm just thinking about them. Hold on.
Okay, I'm back. Boxer briefs hug the male form, waist to upper thigh. Stretchy sexy stuff there. And if the guy has one of those butts, those muscular butts with the little dents in the side, firm and...hold on.
Yeah. Whew. That's hot. Hotter than being nekked. Cause I like the flirty-teasing aspect of skin-tight lycra/cotton blends. Ooh yeah!

I'm interested to see what you women like in a man's underwear. Wait! That didn't come out right! 'Cause we'd all answer, "Dammit Mona! It's the cock-and-balls, where have you been?!" I should say, I'd like to know which type of men's underwear holds a particular affinity for you, if any.

Men, same thing. Are boxer briefs comfortable? Do ya tend to stick out the bottom of regular boxers (cause you're just so huge, face it, now)? Are briefs really that constraining, does your johnson ever peek out the flap accidentally, or through the bottom of a box of popcorn, ala "Diner"?

C'mon, spill it!


At 7:35 AM, Blogger annush said...

Boxers all the way.
I mean, I like boxer briefs alright, but they don't do it for me. I like good old fashioned boxers and if they are plaid is that much better!

Btw- thanks for stopping by my blog :)

At 7:35 AM, Blogger Rose said...

MMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, boxer briefs.

And, just for the record:

MMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, boxer shorts.

But for me?

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmm, boxer shorts under camouflage uniform. I loves being married to a military man, combat boots and all.

At 8:06 AM, Blogger Scully said...

Fascinating subject... I really laughed at the last phrases 'bout just how huge we all are (that's a fact you know). All men have problems fitting in their dick in their boxers. Its better then with the briefs, you can allways sort of bend it down and backwards so that it doesn't slip out. Just don't try to get on a bike then!

At 8:19 AM, Blogger Cecil B. said...

Boxers, but boxer-briefs can be nice, except when it's hot. Your boys are in for a treat if it's real hot and they're entrapped in cotton. Least with boxers you can get some sort of air flow...

At 8:46 AM, Blogger jo(e) said...

I am partial to the cheap white cotton briefs that every boy I knew wore in the 70s. My working class background showing, I guess.

I will say that I got my husband black silk boxers for Father's Day once ... and oh, there is just something awfully nice about silk ... was a present for me rather than him, I guess ....but he is awfully obliging when it comes to that kind of a thing.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Okapi said...

After many years of finding briefs on men reeeeevolting, I spent 4 years with a brief wearer, and now have a slight fetishy thing going on about them. Maybe it's just that I don't get a regular brief fix, as what I see on a daily basis now is the Calvin style boxer/brief thingy.

Grass is always greener, right?

At 12:41 PM, Blogger Bear said...

I am a briefs or nothing sort of guy... but I have to say that that flap thing is completely useless. I have never used that thing in my life, and I don't think I know anybody else who does.. I think its only there to place dollar bills in or something. My 2 cents.

I didn't realize how many ladies were into boxer shorts.... learn somethin' every day!

At 2:48 PM, Blogger Maine said...

Boxers are very comfortable, but, after years of playing sports and being required to wear boxer briefs for support, I'm kinda used to them now.

Besides, its always nice when I walk past my wife in my underwear and I see her ogling my butt muscles when she thinks I can't see her. Boxers don't show that kind of detail. I think they're better on guys that have no ass.

At 3:32 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Boxer briefs are hot. The way they hug the thigh muscles? Yum. Second place prize goes to knit boxers. Third place, woven boxers. Honorable mention, low-rise tighty whities. Losers include high-waisted tighty whities, bikinis, G-strings, etc.

My little boy finds it far too difficult to stretch his winkie out through the fly to pee. He drops trou and undies down to his knees to pee.

At 8:53 PM, Blogger Becka said...

I'm with Rose, anything okay as long as their is camo involved.

But I have a slight *obsession* with uniforms.

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Marcheline said...

I am also with Rose on the whole camo (and especially combat boots!!) deal. I bought the cutest little "camo" tank and boy shorts lingerie - came with its own set of dog tags - thought I'd give Bear a taste of MY idea of boot camp - HAH!

OK, back to the original question.... I love those football-pants style underwear that they have in those quasi-soft-porn menswear catalogs (you know the ones, with the well-built impossibly good looking gay models)... the tight clingy ones with the lace up front? Oh, yeah......!

I came up with this neat idea for biking shorts for men. They would be made of a lightweight material, with a see-through mesh panel right in the front, so that when riding a bike their package would be kept nice and cool - and jogging women everywhere would get a show. What are they called, you ask? "Breeze-Weasles"! Come on, you know that's funny.

At 12:07 AM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

You all just rock my Hanes Her Way panties clean off! Thanks for the comments!

And Marcheline, get that name copywrited NOW, girl! And sign me up to buy 2 pair!

At 3:41 PM, Blogger Avatar said...

Three cheers for boxer briefs.

At 7:42 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

I don't know any guys who actually USE "the penis flap", though...apparently, Bear doesn't, either?

Does your wee one use the wee-wee flap? Maybe they're not for "big boys" ;)

At 4:22 PM, Blogger Steven Horwitz said...

Boxer briefs wearer here. Love 'em.

And I actually USE the pee hole. So there.

At 7:02 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Avatar: Hip hip hooo-baby!

Pisser: The boy-child drops his little briefs underneath the waterworks, so I'm wondering if the flap is just so us women will scratch our heads and go...wha? huh?

Steven: Welcome! Say 'Hi' to Rob for me!


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