Tuesday, July 12, 2005

I'll Take "Potpourri" for $400, Alex

I run my life by Post-It NotesTM. In front of me are a stack of 8, things I have to do or remember. A 9th one listing times and dates the internet crapped out here at work due to our bizarre server situation. Another demanding 'Buy Baseball Tickets!". Another taped to my monitor with the secret sign-in code to one of our clients (secret? bah!).

So...so...sew...I'm dumping the miscellaneous stuff raht-cheer.

1) My insomnia is hereditary, if you check with my kids. Boy-child doesn't fall asleep generally until an hour past his scheduled bedtime, and he routinely gets up in the middle of the night for a drink or to pee or to moan about a 'bad thought' he had. Last night (okay, this morning), he got up at 3 a.m., spent 10 minutes in the bathroom (doing...WHAT? what do boys DO in there?), and upon my urging, went back to bed, whereupon he promptly said, "I'm thirsty, can I have a drink of water?" (Again, WHAT do boys DO in the bathroom?) Girl-child is not so bad, yet, but I'm expecting a night-owl.

2) Speaking of boys in the bathroom, I know boy-child spanks the monkey in there, which we've told him is okay, as long as he doesn't do 'that' in front of other people. And as long as no-one else has to pee (only one bathroom). But I have NO idea if girl-child rubs her little flower. Should I ask? I get the distinct impression that if I even suggest it to her, she'll never leave her room. Yeah, she's like her mom.

3) It's a cruel twist of nature that womens breasts change over time. And by 'change', I mean head south, like the geese, only they never head north again. Gravity, childbirth, breastfeeding, bad bras, all that stuff just messes with that delicate tissue. Question: Why don't mens ballsacs do the same thing? Doesn't gravity have the same effect? And all that contracting and expanding? If they ever did 'head for the valley', would men wear 'nad-bras? Or would the double-hanging doo-dads be a sign of verility? (thoughtfully stroking chin)

4) Apparently I was bodacious last night. Good bra, tank top. Boy-child was on the phone with a friend being invited to a birthday party, and I was taking notes for him (time, phone number, etc.). And I was NOT doing the 'bunny-dip' to keep my cleavage a well-kept secret whilst doing my momly duty. No. Oh NO. I was bending over and, according to Sergei, revealing my awesome cleavage to the boy-child (who didn't notice, yo, because he was concentrating on a PARTY, and not boobage...and I certainly didn't notice). I know one day soon, boy-child will call me on the carpet for that sort of thing. Urgh.

5) There is very little else more soothing than a hand gently resting on your sleeping back.

6) Everyone should go out right now and buy the DVD of the first season of "The Adventures of Pete and Pete". If nothing else to see the guest stars...Iggy Pop, Steve Buscemi, Michael Stipe, Debbie Harry, the list goes on and on and.... Oh, and of course, Toby Huss, as Artie, "...the strongest man!...in the world!

7) It's become apparent to me that little things need me. The children want to snuggle constantly. The cat wants me to scratch that part riiiiiiight above her tail. The plants enjoy when I water and tend to them. I like that. I like it all an awesome lot. I'm sure I'll turn this into a separate post someday. But I just wanted to get this on record.

8) Y'know what words make me giggle uncontrollably? "Ass pirate."

9) Sergei's birthday is this Friday. If you have any suggestions for gifts, let me know. Oh, and go give him a virtual spanking or hug or shoulder slug or sing to him, if you're so inclined. Photos of your boobies are also welcome, ladies. (Guys...not so much photos of yer johnsons, but thanks for asking.)

Cheerio!

14 Comments:

At 2:03 PM, Blogger Allen said...

sorry your boobs are sagging...thats life is all i can say..wish i could have seen you taking notes with this hot weather you cant help it....as guys get older their gut is what grows and goes south...my birthday is in march would you send me a boobie pic for my birthday....get him a new tool of some sort then a nice night in the bedroom...that is a perfect birthday present for me....

 
At 2:47 PM, Blogger Serra said...

"Kick-me dog" (meaning one of those insufferable small dogs with nothing better to do than bark until you just have to kick 'em) makes me giggle til I bawl.

 
At 2:54 PM, Blogger Lost said...

As far as I understand it, mens sacs do INDEED head south. If you have ever seen a naked old man (and it's a picture you just don't forget eww)you'd see the effects of gravity and it ain't pretty. I understand some old men need to hold the boys whilst doing a sit down job so they don't go for a swim. lol
Gravity is damn cruel to a woman though, my nipples are FAR too interested in what my feet are doing for my liking.
I'd say no for askin girl child. I'm doubting that she's start arubbin in company, unlike boys do *sigh* I think I spent years tryin to get my sons hand off his bidness. It was like he was afraid someone was trying to steal it. LOL

 
At 4:34 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

EGADS!!!! I live in horror of the day my boys start with that. ...and under the looming sureity that it'll happen sooner than I could have ever imagined, by sheer serendipity, cuz yeah...what lost said, it's as if they're "afraid someone will try to steal it"!!! seriously. sometimes they wrench that thing so hard, my husband flinches, from the other room!!

also, is there any chance Uncle Henry is from Maine? I guess I could click the link you put up, and see what I find.

 
At 4:35 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

oh...that Henry...oops. forget I mentioned it...

I wish I could offer a suggestion for Sergei, but I can barely come up with gifts for own bear. Sorey...

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Avatar said...

For Sergei: A "Bend Over Boyfriend" DVD? A glass plug and a tub of Crisco? A RealDoll for those headache/Red Aunt nights? A "Clone Yer Bone" plaster molding kit? The possibilities are endless.

 
At 8:21 PM, Blogger your fiend, mr. jones said...

You had me at "Pete and Pete"... ;>

 
At 8:53 PM, Blogger Cynical Girl said...

I once read that German men like to stretch out the ball sack. It's all about power & prestige & shit. I guess the guys compare ball sacks in German locker rooms, or maybe board rooms, I'm not sure.

 
At 10:16 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Allen: Actually, I'm hoping to USE his tool for a nice night in the bedroom! ;-)

Serra: I can't stop laughing! I've never heard that phrase! We call chihuahuas 'bug-eyed-rat-dogs'.

Lost: Oooh, the sac thing...that sounds painful. I think I will wait on the girl-child, she'll find out soon enough!

Lisa: Boys are definitely more 'out there' about it. Once you've heard "Mom! Look how big it is!", your life will never be the same....

Avatar: Ooh! The 'Cynthia Plaster Caster' kit! I could TOTALLY get into a life-size rubber/latex version of Sergei! Thanks!

Mr. Jones: (winkwinkwink) "Dance Petunia...Dance...!"

Cynical Girl: Seriously? Do they toughen up their members by wacking them against stone walls, I wonder? Those darn Germans....

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger midwest_hick said...

I'm thinkin since that particular 'sac' begins in't journey in the south...it has no place to go.....and hey....men don't ask for directions any way.

 
At 1:47 AM, Blogger Charlie said...

1) What do boys do in the bathroom? Whatever it is, he's either very good at it, or very bad...

2) If you figure this one out, tell me. I have my own girl-child who is far too young for me to expend too much brain power worrying about how I'm going to broach the subject of masturbation when that time comes. But I still worry about it. I'd be interested to know what you decide.

3) The phrase "double-hanging doo-dads" just made me give a snorting laugh.

4) I've seen my mom's cleavage. I've never mentioned it to her. There is hope yet that you won't have to experience that. I did, however, walk in on my parents while they were having sex. It just, uh, never occured to me that they might be doing that. Let's call it the end of innocence.

 
At 8:07 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

How in the h--- did I miss this post? *scratch scratch*

..oh yeah. I was doing that. Riiiight above the tail... ;)

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

P.S. My friend complains that her 60 some-odd mother runs around contantly in a bathing suit and that she has "very LONG cleavage".

o_O

 
At 5:33 PM, Blogger libcat said...

I recently saw a woman on the street (I think homeless) who seemed to have something large and rounded repeatedly projecting from and receding into her stomach as she went downt the sidewalk.

 

Post a Comment

<< Home