Friday, July 01, 2005

Naked Woman, Naked Man, Where Did You Get That Nice Suntan?


Yes? Who is it?

It's the Angry Red Aunt! Let me in!

Okay! Door's open!



No, I think I'll just hang around outside for a few days. And burst in on you when you're trying to have sex, or wear white shorts. M'kay?

(This conversation courtesy of my brain, arguing with my hormones, about my stupid lovely frickin' period that is refusing to show her crimson-ness.)

Oh men. Oh you men out there. You sincerely don't know what you're missing. A woman's period is the reason that the female species, in general, outlives the male species. Because we deal with pain and frustration and anxiety every 28 days, clockwork. And after a while, we're pissed off about the whole deal. And being pissed off regularly hardens us up to life, and we just kick the shit outta whatever gets in our way. Including death. We tell death, "Fuck off, bastard, I'm not ready yet...go bug Mr. Lyle down the street...he kicked a cat the other day."

At first, when you're 10 or 12 years old, a period is a miracle and all new and scary and you feel like a 'woman', whatever that means to you or your mom. As you reach high school, and college, and your 20s, it's something you just do. And watch for. And plan sex around. And buy tons of feminine products to stock up yer bathroom and the bathroom of your horrified boyfriends.

Then, in your 30s and beyond, when you have your families established, when you're done with the procreation aspect of the female plumbing, you just want it to STOP. 'Cause, really, why run the water if you're not gonna float a rubber ducky in there?

(I say all this knowing there are women out there who would welcome a period, whose insides don't work so well, so regularly, or whose reproductive abilities were taken much too quickly due to disease. To you...I wish I could give you my plumbing. I really do.)


This morning I was thinking.

What if I could, for a while, change the landscape 'down there' and be a penis-wielding man for a while? Would I want to? And what would I do with all that protruding cartilage?

I think...I think...YES.

For a few days, I would like the penis, the balls, the testosterone. The first thing I'd do is masturbate. 'Cause then I would FINALLY know what it feels like to use an entire hand to spank the monkey. Then I'd pee. And I mean, I'd pee everywhere! Because I could! I'd pee in sinks! I'd pee on trees! I'd pee in gutters and gross urinals and in a paper cup for a nurse! Because you men-folk DO these things! And you're damn proud of it! You aim! You hold it or don't! You can write your name in the snow! How incredibly cool is that?! And then, of course, I'd have sex. Quick sex, slow sex, all the sexy sex positions and 'around the world' and all that. Sheesh, I'm getting really sorta turned on at that thought.

Would you trade genitalia, if you could? If so, for how long? What would you do with it?


At 10:42 AM, Blogger Maine said...

Maybe for a minute. Just to see what it'd be like to masturbate and not have to clean up afterwards.

At 11:01 AM, Anonymous Rob said...

Oh yeah, I'd be down with that -- at least long enough to have hot lesbian sex with the awesome bi-girls whose blogs I visit every day! ;-)

At 12:57 PM, Blogger McB said...

I would, probably. But I guess I'd rather do the full-body swap for maybe a week. Less awkward in the locker room that way. Plus, I'd have some tits to play with while my girlfriend goes down on me. I bet she'd be up for that. Yeehaw!

At 2:44 PM, Anonymous annush said...

I would totally like to see what the big deal is about...and like you, i wanna know how masturbation feels like AND oral sex. that's gotta be fun!

At 5:55 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

oh, TOTALLY!!!!

and I would do exactly what you would do. :)

also, I agree about the plumbing issues.

At 7:31 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

Maine, I have to clean up afterwards. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

I think I'd dig it except for the smell of balls. I *hate* the smell of balls.

They say women say men are pigs, but if we had a thingy, we'd be running around trying to bang as many hoes ho'es as possible. Discuss.

That's hysterical that you went with "pee". My Cranky whips it out just wherever and says, "oh, look. A waterfall." I think it's sort of cute. I'm sick.

At 12:22 AM, Blogger Orange said...

Who wouldn't trade, just to see how the other half lives? No more than a week for starters, though. Then if it turns out a penis and that embarrassing thing called a ballsack are more fun than my package, I'll have to renegotiate the terms of the lease.

What would I do with a penis? The usual. What I would not do with it is those wacky stretching exercises that those guys who want more length do. Have you read about that? Man, I wish I still had the link to it.

P.S. So kind of you to remember the ladies with the plumbing problems.

At 10:50 AM, Blogger unique said...

I'll take a full month! Maybe even a year or whatever to get carrying a child experience. Of course I'm a bit over the top, but hell, if it were temporary, why not go for it?

At 1:49 AM, Blogger Truth Is Stranger said...

This is actually a pretty damn funny post.

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

I just want to say that I am not the Rob who posted above. And I'm sorry I lead Truth is Stranger over here.

At 11:07 PM, Blogger Truth Is Stranger said...

rob stop being such a sissy. don't you have one of those things they are talking about in this post? or did you have it shredded off as reparations for the patriarchal society thing.

At 9:03 AM, Blogger your fiend, mr. jones said...

Modesty prevents me from commenting on the poll.

However if it was alien anatomy we were talking about, the antennae from Ray Walston's "My Favorite Martian" would be cool.

Or Spock's ears.

At 3:03 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Maine: Oh, there is cleanup. But we never have to look around to find it.

Anonymous Rob: What makes you think the hot bi-girls wouldn't have dickage that day? They've earned it!

mcb: I saw a movie like that once...or maybe just the sequel.

Annush and Lisa: We'd SO have to compare notes afterwards!

Pisser: Yeah, I'd be tryin' to score with as many honeys as I could. I'd be a total guy slut.

Orange: Did you ever see "Puppetry of the Penis"? It's on DVD. Woo, man, that''ll have to see it!

Unique: You are truly a gentleman and a scholar! Birth dat baby!

Truth is Stranger: So Rob Helpy-Chalk sent you?

Rob Helpy-Chalk: Paybacks are a bitch, dude. (I didn't think the other Rob was you...BUT...don't discount hot lesbian sex.)

Mr. Jones: Go for the antennae...'cause, you know...they have those little deedleballs on the end...and THAT'S cool!

At 6:53 PM, Blogger Pisser said...


At 8:26 AM, Blogger your fiend, mr. jones said...


...always funny.;>

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