Friday, June 17, 2005

Did I Pass...The Pencil Test?


No, I did not.

And I never will again.

To execute the pencil test (women only): Take a number 2 pencil. Place it underneath your breast. If you can let go of the pencil and it falls to the ground, you passed! If the pencil stays there, held ever so gently between delicate breast tissue and your chest, you fail the test.

However, failing means you have large breasts.

So it's not a BAD thing.

I had sort of a crisis this morning while picking out a bra. I have two types of bras:
1) Underwires with thin cup material, which allows my nipples to show when erect.
2) Underwires with thick padded cups, which allow my breasts to sit perkily and magically suspended, and creates magnificent cleavage.

Generally I go for the thick cups, as I sincerely enjoy seeing my 'two puppies' at an elevation belying my age. But I do enjoy checking my visage out in the mirror at work and seeing two small marbles staring out from my shirt, even though my breasts aren't as high as with the other bra. Some sort of weird female power trip, I guess.

I believe bra manufacturers need to satisfy both my urges. Make a padded cup, okay, that's fine, I'm all high-and-mighty, breast-wise. But why not also make the material at the nipple area thinner, so when our building manager thinks 65 degrees is an acceptable level to set the air conditioning, I can point to my thimbleberries and yell, "The 'thermometers' say TOO COLD! Turn it down, already!"

The lovely Bitch PhD swears by Wacoal bras, which are incredibly lovely. I would love to try them on though (buying bras over the internet scares the BeJeebus outta me). Here's the thing though...I have yet to spend more than 5 minutes or $10 while choosing a bra. (I know, I'm a disgrace to women everywhere.) But really, I'm just holding out for the right bra.

Can I get lift AND nipplage? Anyone know?


At 11:33 AM, Blogger Maine said...

I don't know about nipplage, but I can confirm liftage, thanks.

At 1:42 PM, Blogger Orange said...

I am at this very moment wearing a Wacoal "slimline minimizer" that permits a degree of nipplage and yet is also fairly supportive, thanks to a wide underwire. The boobs are maintained at a respectable height (roughly midway between elbow and shoulder), but not at the push-up bra, in-your-face level. Sure, it cost me $60, but I say it's worth it.

At 3:19 PM, Blogger Avatar said...


At 4:28 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

Don't look at me...last time I tried on a "Back Bra", and there were parts of the fabric pooching out w/ NO BOOBIE IN IT. Ugh. Who are these made to fit - aliens?

Lately my boobs are out to HERE and cannot be contained by anything short of Kevlar. Oh, and I flunked the pencil test long ago...I could hold a pair of scissors under there...!

At 4:37 PM, Blogger bitchphd said...

"It's your tits, spend the money..."

At 4:47 PM, Blogger Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

Yay, more boob blogging!

Whenever I've heard about the pencil test before, you *passed* the test if the pencil stayed.

At 5:05 PM, Blogger jo(e) said...

Bitch converted me to Wacoal bras. And I was worried about ordering them over the internet, but here is the cool thing -- now that I found the bra that fits me exactly, I can just order one whenever I want in whatever colour I want. Less than a minute to buy a bra!

I hate padding of any type because I don't need it. So yeah, my nipples are always part of the package.

If you haven't tried Wacoal, I say -- go for it. I have not passed the damn pencil test since puberty (oh, except if I play by Rob's rules.) And the Wacoal bras really work for me. They are pretty AND comfortable. I no longer have to keep tugging at the bra straps.

It's well worth the money.

At 6:05 AM, Blogger .-.lilie.-. said...

You don't know me (yet?) but I found you via flea. Anyway, I'm really enjoying your blog and I wanted to suggest - or perhaps demand - that you get an RSS feed! I'm mostly on livejournal, and I'd love to read you on my friends page there. Anyway, if you could do the RSS thing, I would be happy and would read you all the time and would recommend you to my friends and everything. =)

At 10:09 AM, Blogger Orange said...

Dude, you PASSED the pencil test. It goes back to Ann Landers in the 1970s, I think—the test for whether you are big enough to need a bra. My sister, she has no "under the breast" area (she's an A cup) and cannot hold writing utensils without using her hands. Ergo, she fails the pencil test.

There are many other tests: the Coke can test, the hardcover book test, you name it. Those can be used to determine whether your big boobs are (A) monstrously huge or (B) have sagged to monstrous levels. We won't discuss our results on these tests...

At 10:13 AM, Blogger Orange said...

By the way, Mona, you left me a comment about those cartoons, and I told the cartoonist that people had left nice comments. I'm guessing he read this post of yours, and maybe something by the Bored Housewife. He was grateful that he had checked out the blogs from home and not work, owing to the salacious material he found, and said: "really, why does one go into cartooning if not to get compliments from busty exhibitionists?" New tagline: "Mona: The Muse of Cartoonists."

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Rose said...

So hey. First of all, I really appreciated the "held gently by the delicate breast tissue," but I think I might break a pencil, so I successfully pass. Or fail, if you ask my husband.

I too am a 5-minute 10-dollar bra shopper, and I have the same issues that you do. But I can't go investing in any kajillion dollar bras now because I'm losing weight and hope that with that, my cup size will change a little bit. So with my luck I'd find the perfect bra, and then still be screwed.

AND... one day in the office I called my boss over, and asked him if he could turn up the thermostat just a squinch. He asked why. I told him because if he didn't, I was going to start charging money for the show or demanding tips. They turned it up.

At 12:17 PM, Blogger Rose said...

Whoops. I successfully fail, OR PASS IF YOU ASK MY HUSBAND. PASS, I meant PASS.

*smacks head on desk*

At 6:49 PM, Blogger Serra said...

I hate shopping in general, clothes shopping in particular, and bra shopping is just a slice of Hell. One of my most Hellish moments was trying to find a nursing bra after my daughter's birth...I hadn't gotten one before because I thought, "How much bigger can they GET?"

Now I see what I get for thinking--the answer turned out to be 48DD. The 48 probably wasn't the right band size, but I couldn't get my boobies in anything else.

At 10:27 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Maine: I'm sure if you stood behind me with both yer hands under my breasteses, I'd have tremendous lift. Oh, wait, Janet Jackson already had a RS cover shot with that....

Avatar: Right after liposuction, yes.

Pisser: Your boobs "out to here" is one reason Sergei wants you as Wife #2. Then he'd have a matching set!

BitchPhD: Soon as I win the lottery, baby.

Rob: I knew you would enjoy the boobie talk! You're always correcting me, BTW, I recall you straightening me out about 'playing for the other team', and now for the pencil test pass vs. fail. I'm strangely turned on by your bustin' my chops. Do it again, please.

jo(e): Y'know what really worries me? Measuring myself. I like to think of myself as a 38C kind of gal, and I'd just freak out if I found out otherwise. Why? I don't know!

lili: RSS is coming and some sort of tracking thing, and I'm curious how folks find me by search terms...I'm sure there's a myriad of dirty words in there....

Orange: Once again, I have my terms mixed up (thanks, Rob, you saucy lad). Remember that Crazy Glue ad where the guy in the hard hat is suspended in mid-air by the glue? I could hold him under my breast. Seriously. I gotta blogroll that cartoonist, he made me laugh so hard I almost squirted pee!

Rose: heehee! Loved your reply to the boss! And congrats on the weight loss! I tried on some bras recently left over from when I weighed a lot more, and my breasts got lost in them...I gave myself a high five!

Serra: 48DD? I'm trying to process that now...I think the biggest I got breastfeeding was a 42D. You beat me by a damn long shot!

At 12:34 PM, Blogger Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

Sorry about correcting you. Being pedantic is a professional hazard for those of us who are, well, pedants.

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Orange said...

You think you're a 38C, Mona? So did I, girl, so did I. Do the measurements. (I used this set of instructions.) And then believe the numbers and go try on bras in that size (try on a Wacoal—it just might fit better than the others). I tried on Wacoals in 38C (didn't fit right), 36D (didn't fit right), and 36DD (the measured size—and they fit right). You own it to your boobs to measure them and listen to what they're telling you.

At 4:53 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Rob: Don't be sorry, man, I really do enjoy it. Pedants are sexy, dontcha know, big brains turn me on. Remind me to post about the guy I dated briefly who agreed with EVERYTHING I said, and how I very unceremoniously dumped him.

Orange: Okay, I just broke out the cloth tape measure and followed the instrux. According to them, I'm a 40B. Hmmm. Guess I'll have to grab Sergei and head out bra shopping.


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