Hey, Who Took My Libido??!
Alright now, I’m seriously pissed off, ‘cause I had a perfectly healthy sex drive here just a minute ago, and now it’s gone. If you took it, goddamn it, GIVE IT BACK!
What’s it look like? Well, uh, pink (I suppose), and sort of quivery, and prone to sexual fantasies of all sorts, at all times, in all situations. And it likes to touch itself, and one special man named Sergei. It’s pretty quiet, usually, when it’s in bed or in the shower or just driving along, stuck in traffic, thinking of other, sexier things. But if Sergei is around, it goes all wookie-crazy and yelps and howls and pants and stuff.
Where does it usually live? Several places…my brain, for one, my tingly nether-regions for another, and basically every inch of my skin. ‘Zat vague enough for ya?
When did I lose it? Um…I guess last week sometime. I really wasn’t paying attention, ya know, Sergei and I had that really sexy, passionate weekend without the kids, and there was My Libido, just bouncing around, getting all up in our junk, really playful. Then the kids came back, and I got this project at work that’s biting my ass, but hard, and school’s coming up and dance class and I still have to buy tap shoes and cool 3-hole binders. PLUS I somehow got tired, I dunno how that happened, I’m exhausted at night when the kids should be (but aren’t), and I just don’t have time to play with the Little Libido. Matter of fact, I was in the shower last night, which is usually where Libido comes in and gets my fingers all busy with my snoopy, and I looked around and…no Libido!...and I just sort of said, “Oh well”, and popped open a Dr. Bronner’s bottle. There’s taekwondo tonight AND I’m supposed to make 3 or 4 desserts for a fundraiser at work tomorrow, so it’s doubtful I’ll see the little bugger any time soon.
Any distinguishing marks? You mean, other than being, like, a RAGING MASS OF HORMONES? Other than that??? Well, you’ll know it when you see it, ‘cause it’ll start humpin’ yer leg and moaning and pulling you into the laundry room for a quickie over the dryer. OR it’ll give you sexual fantasies, the likes you’ve never seen, involving several members of the opposing team, a large table, good lighting, ice cream toppings, a feather boa, a tub of butter, a large athletic sock, several pieces of fruit, 3 yards of satin, a well-worn leather saddle, tequila, a razor, and clove cigarettes. Or something like that.
Please, if you’ve seen My Libido, please post a comment, or email me, at email@example.com. There’s no reward, ‘cause, really, you can’t put a price on that stuff. But you’ll get my undying gratitude.
Thanking you in advance,