Thursday, October 13, 2005

And Then She Wouldn’t Shut Up

I’m not a “ranter”.

I don’t “rant”, as a rule.





But today, goddammit, I’m just pissin’ vinegar. (And don’t go bustin’ my chops ‘cause the phrase is “piss and vinegar”. I really AM pissing vinegar.)

Jeebus Christo, it’s not even 10 a.m. and folks have taken it upon themselves to be the biggest pain in my lovely round ass.

Okay, so, based on this morning’s activities, here are a few rules I’m gonna send out in blog-wave form and hope they make it through some people’s thick brain bones:

1) If you’re driving your kids to school and you want to turn into the school parking lot, turn on your goddamn blinker. Otherwise, yes, you WILL freak out when I make that right turn and you decide (dumbass) that you want to turn, and don’t you dare beep your horn at me you toothless fuck.

2) Hey. Grandpa. When the light is green, that means GO! It doesn’t mean pick your butt until the light turns yellow, just to see what the car behind you does. And yes, that was me tailgating you with my car positioned so my headlights were in your side mirror. You were already blind, I didn’t do any damage.

3) Hey. Grandpa. If you’re gonna pull into the post office, PULL IN. Don’t pull halfway in, and stop as I turn in behind you, so my rear end is still in traffic. And please, decide before you turn in which lot you’re gonna pull into. You can go left, you can go right, you can go straight. Your stupid little car did a donut there, right in front of me, and I nearly lept from my car and beat you with your own cane, you insane short octogenarian.

4) School buses must, by law, stop at train tracks. Miss Van Driver, you do NOT need to stop at the train tracks. There is no ‘sympathy stopping’. They have those little gates and lights and buzzers, ya know, so you won’t be hit by those trains. USE THEM. Next time, I’ll honk at you more than once. Consider yourself lucky.

5) Whichever hormone or bodily function decided that a woman must bloat like an orca during her period must be permanently removed from my body. I’m fargin’ sick of this shite. Rilly. When I can grab two handsful of inflated flesh during my ‘monthly’, that just makes me want to go killer insane and jump immediately into menopause. Cut. It. The. Fuck. Out.

6) Caffeine must be reformulated so it doesn’t make you jittery. It just took me three tries to get that statement correct because my fingers are shaking so bad.

Got a bone to pick? Rant wid’ me.


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