Confessions of Ten

1) I sometimes look at the word ‘public’ and think it’s really ‘pubic’ and laugh until I choke on my own spit.

2) I secretly long for a colonic cleansing.

3) I am afraid that, if I ask my doctor if he thinks a colonic cleansing is a good idea, he’ll laugh in that high-pitched way he does, all the while shaking his head and giggling, “Oh you so crazy, you crazy lady!”

4) On-line banking scares the bejeebus outta me.

5) If I drive over a long bridge high off the water, I sometimes have a freak out and think, “If I turn this steering wheel just a tiny bit to the right, I could drive off the bridge and kill us all.” Then I have to think about puppies and bunnies and chocolate ice cream to distract myself.

6) I harbour lust for the boy that played ‘Charlie’ in the Gene Wilder version of “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”.

7) I still have a chaste crush on Mark Hammill. After I saw him in ‘Star Wars’, I vowed to think only non-sexual thoughts of him, even though he was like a living sexy version of the David statue, and have kept my promise lo these many years.

8) I ate the Girl-child’s only Halloween Almond Joy last night, just because I saw the Boy-child with one and it looked really good. There’s a special hell for parents like me.

9) When I was a teenager, I stole one of my dad’s bottles of wine and drank it all in my room one night, then threw up in one of my really cool brown knee-high leather boots sometime during the night. The next day, I had to throw both boots away, and I feigned like I lost them somewhere.

10) I’ve always had dreams that I’m naked in public, but lately, instead of being embarrassed, I wonder why people have a problem with it. I’m apparently an exhibitionist in my dreams, and damn proud o’ that.