Monday, October 24, 2005

Cake Is Just An Excuse For Frosting

Victoria’s Secret sent me two gift certificates a few weeks ago:
One for free panties
One for $10 off any purchase for the month of October, as a birthday present to myself

Here’s the thing…I don’t usually wear lingerie, as such.

I wear bra and panties during the day, and sometimes even a slip if I absolutely must. But the whole teddy thing? The whole camisole and matching thong thing? The bustier and garter thing? Uh. No. Not anymore.

It’s more a matter of convenience. I sleep naked, except for when the Crimson Permanent Assurance sails for a week or so. If I went to bed wearing a teddy, for example, it’d stay on me for all of, oh, 12.5 seconds before Sergei ripped it off to ravage me. I can’t very well prance around the house in a merry-widow and fishnet stockings, either, ‘cause I’m pretty sure it would burn the eyes out of my children and cause a lifetime of therapy bills. And most thongs, sorry, butt-floss doesn’t sit well with me.

A few years ago when I lost the post-post-post-pregnancy weight, I sorted through all my clothes and donated the ‘fat line’ to charity. I also (gasp!) donated most of my delicate lacy underthings. While I kept a few key pieces (garters, stockings, a few corset/teddy things), the rest just went away, the spoils of being a married mother of two, and I have yet to pull out any of the lingerie I did save. I don’t think Sergei would mind if I did jump him whilst wearing that fetching black thing in the back of my closet (as long as I don’t try it when there’s a football game on), but it wouldn’t make the sex any better, and you have to hand-wash that stuff anyway to get the stains out, so it’s really more of a bother.

However. I will still go to Victoria’s Secret for the panties, something silky. And maybe they have a nice strappy top I can wear under a dress jacket, or some nice lotion, or maybe a feather boa. If only they had some lovely chocolates….

And then there’s cake.

I have to make cupcakes for both kids’ school Halloween parties next Monday, and after spending several evenings looking at recipes and decorating ideas, I realized that by and large, I don’t like cakes. They’re too full of air. They don’t give you that long-lasting ‘bang!’ of flavour, it’s more like a quick “ooh!” and then it’s done. You have to eat three or four cupcakes just to feel like you’ve eaten something substantial. And let’s not fool ourselves, we’re really only in it for the frosting, that lovely, sickly-sweet frosting.

The only exception to the cake rule are cakes that aren’t cakes. Like dump cake. Or fruitcake. Or my mom’s homemade oatmeal cake, which is heavier than my car, but absolutely delish.

I may skip ‘school party’ tradition and make brownies in cupcake liners and put frosting on them. And plastic spiders. The kids are only in it for the toys anyway, and that makes more frosting for me!


At 11:41 AM, Blogger Orange said...

Meh, Victoria's Secret does nothing for me. I looked at their bras and found out that (a) many aren't available in my size, and (b) cute demi-cup styles are no longer cute demi-cup styles in my size (they become a pair of full-coverage boob yarmulkes instead). Why must my boobs ever be constrained and covered? Why can't they be uplifted and bared up top for some fetching decolletage? If anyone can recommend a bra brand that offers a completely un-matronly cut in a DD, let me know. Please. The girls and I beg you.

Brownies? Yes. Frosting and plastic spiders will draw in the kids, and you'll have yummy brownies. Personally, I don't object to cake, and I plan to buy cupcakes (bad mommy doesn't often bake) to celebrate Ben's half birthday today.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Used Hack said...

I agree about the lingerie. I'm going to jump my wife regardless. She knows that. Why bother?

At 1:08 PM, Blogger The Assimilated Negro said...

maybe you should use the lacy undergarments to wrap/serve the ucpcakes in. educate the kids while also giving them a tasty treat.

At 2:32 PM, Blogger SVN, prn said...


I have the answer for you and the 'girls'. I love, LOVE this lingerie called Felina.

I buy mine at Nordstrom, not sure if you have that store in your area but the Felina link has a shop online tab.

Sexy and functional --imagine that.

~Student Nurse, prn

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Charlie said...

Re: cake-that-isn't-cake, I would like to nominate cheesecake as the king.

Do you nominate kings?

At 11:18 PM, Blogger bitchphd said...

Felina is pretty good: inexpensive, pretty stuff. I second the recommendation--go to Nordy's, not VS, if you want to buy actual lingerie.

I find that a corset often goes over well. And it has the benefit that you can actually wear it to a party, if you wanna show off a bit. Which, why wouldn't you?

At 4:11 AM, Anonymous Pete said...

I read it, then I read it again.
I know we have a minor problem with American and English, but do you know what a dump is in England?
I thought it was the same in the US but it can't be. No one would ever eat Dump Cake if it was.

At 8:57 AM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Orange: Pre-kids, I used to find sweet little bras that hooked in front. Now with my gazongas being what they are, I will never again be able to do the front-hook-reveal. Fark. You celebrate half-birthdays? You're a cooler mom than me!

Used Hack: Exactly! Why bother with fancy wrapping!

TAN: A great idea, but I'll save it for my next 'adult' party. I'd rather have grown men ogle me than small boys.

svn: Thanks, I'll have a look-see!

Charlie: I second your cheesecake nomination, or maybe cheesecake can just appoint itself holy ruler of cakes.

BPhD: I like your party idea. Maybe THAT would get me promoted at the next company Christmas party!

Pete: Ah...there's a double meaning in that! It's the difference between "I dumped it in the pan" vs "I took a dump in the pan". The one is tasty, the

At 5:01 PM, Blogger Orange said...

I blew off the cupcakes, but I did make Rice Krispies treats and stuck a candle in one. The highlight was yesterday morning when Ben woke up and discovered he had not magically grown larger merely by virtue of turning 5.5.

Gotta get me some Felina. But if it turns out the sexy bras become full-coverage monsters in my size, I reserve the right to cry.


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