The First Kiss (College Boy Version)
This is a story about a bad kiss.
When I was in 10th grade, before I got my first ever ‘real’ boyfriend, my friend Denise invited me to Big State University to visit her for the weekend. She had the coolest, cutest boyfriend evah (his name was Chuck). She promised a tour, good eats, and parties.
I went, of course.
The first night I was there, I met Chuck’s roommates. Dan was a Hispanic dude with the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen. He was funny, charming, intelligent, and teased me in just the right way, arousing my girlish curiosity and begging the question, “Will he kiss me this weekend?”
OF COURSE HE DIDN’T.
‘Cause Dan had a girlfriend he was devoted to. I met her too, and she was very beautiful but a right bitch. Seriously. Just harping vitriol all weekend. She must have been good in bed, ‘cause ain’t no way a dude could stay with her for a minute and not want to slap her.
Alan was Chuck’s other roommate. He was nice, very talkative, and we found common ground with Vonnegut and Elvis Costello and horror movies. We were in the middle of some discussion or other, we were drinking cheap college keg beer, and we realized that everyone else had left the room. I didn’t feel threatened by Alan, but it set up a weird situation where he leaned in and kissed me.
I have never…
experienced such a rotten lip-lock.
(I’m feeling a bit nauseated just thinking about it)
…with his mouth totally open.
Like a dead fish on a hook.
He never moved his lips.
He tilted his head and zoomed in and planted his wet teeth on my lips.
I pulled out the old “Let’s just be friends” routine (I think it was the first time I used it), and he was a little mad, but there was NO WAY I would even think about kissing something like that. I had neither the time nor the patience to teach a COLLEGE GUY how to kiss.
Then I drank too much, fell asleep, and woke up to tacos for breakfast the next day. Alan and I were cordial, but he made sure to leave the room when he noticed we were the only two in it.
Serves him right.
DON’T kiss Mona unless you know how.