Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The First Kiss (College Boy Version)

This is a story about a bad kiss.

When I was in 10th grade, before I got my first ever ‘real’ boyfriend, my friend Denise invited me to Big State University to visit her for the weekend. She had the coolest, cutest boyfriend evah (his name was Chuck). She promised a tour, good eats, and parties.

I went, of course.

The first night I was there, I met Chuck’s roommates. Dan was a Hispanic dude with the biggest brown eyes I’d ever seen. He was funny, charming, intelligent, and teased me in just the right way, arousing my girlish curiosity and begging the question, “Will he kiss me this weekend?”


‘Cause Dan had a girlfriend he was devoted to. I met her too, and she was very beautiful but a right bitch. Seriously. Just harping vitriol all weekend. She must have been good in bed, ‘cause ain’t no way a dude could stay with her for a minute and not want to slap her.

Alan was Chuck’s other roommate. He was nice, very talkative, and we found common ground with Vonnegut and Elvis Costello and horror movies. We were in the middle of some discussion or other, we were drinking cheap college keg beer, and we realized that everyone else had left the room. I didn’t feel threatened by Alan, but it set up a weird situation where he leaned in and kissed me.


I have never…


experienced such a rotten lip-lock.

He kissed…

(I’m feeling a bit nauseated just thinking about it)

…with his mouth totally open.

Like a dead fish on a hook.

He never moved his lips.

He tilted his head and zoomed in and planted his wet teeth on my lips.



I pulled out the old “Let’s just be friends” routine (I think it was the first time I used it), and he was a little mad, but there was NO WAY I would even think about kissing something like that. I had neither the time nor the patience to teach a COLLEGE GUY how to kiss.

Then I drank too much, fell asleep, and woke up to tacos for breakfast the next day. Alan and I were cordial, but he made sure to leave the room when he noticed we were the only two in it.

Serves him right.

DON’T kiss Mona unless you know how.


At 12:11 PM, Blogger Maine said...

This is why, in college, nobody should kiss without being drunk first.

At 3:51 PM, Blogger Miss Sassy said...

This could be part of that new Date Movie... you know, the one that parities all the actually trying to be Date Movies??
I see it now... the scene sets up like the UBER charming and truely touching Sergei post from yesterday and ends with a kiss like this!!!
Ah, college... I am getting a cheap beer buzz from the memories...

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Faith said...

My sister's ex-husband set me up with a friend of his once. Took him 3 boring dates to work up the nerve (i.e. get drunk enough) to try to kiss me. And when he did, he LICKED MY FACE. No cute little pecks on the cheeks or lips. No sweetly parted lips on mine, begging the question of whether tongue should get involved. Nope...he jumped RIGHT to the face licking.

He was 22. There was no reason for a 22 year old man to think that it was appropriate to lick a girls face when expressing his earnest passion and desire to her. I don't care how drunk that 22 year old man is, he HAD to have seen some form of porn or another by then, or seen his parents kissing, or, hell, watched a damned DISNEY movie at some point or another!

It was disgusting. Haven't had anything worse since then, thank goodness...

At 5:52 PM, Blogger jo(e) said...

Oh, thanks for the warning, Mona, but don't worry ... I know how to kiss.

I mean, in case we are ever in a play together or something ....


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