Wednesday, August 02, 2006

And your little dog, too....

1) Alright, I’m done…one hundred degrees is TOO hot, dammit. All the Cooling Centers are open around town, the streets are deserted, the public (yeah, I did spell it 'pubic' at first) pools are breaking attendance records, and the governor has said for business to turn off lights and turn down A/C to conserve energy. Yeah, okay, if I have to be here instead of by the pool calling for Raoul to bring me another Cuban Breeze, I’ll work in the dark, by the light of my glowing computer screen...but I will NOT let them turn down the A/C. Over my dead, shriveled, rapidly-decomposing body.

2) We have the HOTTEST babysitter in town, and by that I mean men do Fight Club to sit next to her gorgeous-ness at the pool. The thing is, she really is gorgeous, and so sweet it makes me look like the Hideous Shrew Creature. It’s Day 2 of the new babysitter, and she’s so great and I'm great with her watching my offspring. The kids will still go to their day camp a couple days a week, but it’s nice to have them at home in the A/C or out and about with a responsible adult in a 2:1 kids:adult ratio. Plus, with one of her radiant smiles, I’m sure she can score the kids free ice cream. Bonus!

3) I nearly passed out this morning. I went to the doctor yesterday for my annual physical and he, being of sound mind, ordered a myriad of blood tests for me (liver, thyroid, cholesterol, blood sugar, and "panels" of stuff). And because of the sugar thang, I had to fast. Which was alright except I got it in my fool head that I couldn’t drink a lot of water either. DUH. I know. I suck. Anyway, it was 80 degrees at 8 a.m., I got the kids/babysitter set up, got to the lab, and realized my throat was too dry and that my head spun and I was panting, and oh god the light is fading could she just hurry up and prick that old man’s arm so she could get to me before I passed out? Then I realized, if I breathed like I was sleeping…long, deep breaths with eyes closed...I got my body down to normal. 'Cause I hates passing out. Lab lady took my blood and I ran to my car to quaff 16.9 ounces of freezing cold Diet 7-Up. That and leftover salad for breakfast did the trick. (I never claimed to be normal when it comes to breakfast...what did YOU eat this morning?)

4) For the first time today, I watched the lab lady draw my blood. Usually I just look away and stare at the framed Privacy Notice on the wall, or at the coat rack with no coats on it. But after she inserted the needle, I watched. The needle is in a plastic thing and the plastic thing is on a sort of empty bottomless tube, into which the vials get pushed to collect the blood. She needed THREE vials (Thank you, Doctor, may I have another?). She stuck the needle in, pretty gentle, and I looked down to see the needle contraption sort of…well…moving…or throbbing…in my arm…the needle stood straight up like it was going through my arm...and the first tube filled up, she pulled it out (no blood splatter, people!) and stuck the second tube on, and the needle bobbed a bit and the tube filled and number three was put on filled and then it was over. The guys at work were easily impressed with my story of watching the blood draw, the sissies.

5) Every other woman I talk to (seriously! Every! Other! One!) has a low thyroid condition. What the hell? Doesn't this make it an epidemic? If 50% of "The Women Mona Talks To" have an underactive/non-functioning thyroid, doesn't that mean the CDC should be out here investigating and raising money to stop this rampant under-activeness? Or, evolutionarily speaking, does that mean the thyroid is being phased out of the local female body, and something else will take over, like hormone-filled gills? Or a perky tail? Or a third eye? Which, actually, might be kind of cool....


At 5:11 PM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Weird! I JUST found out today that my thyroid is lower than normal so he ordered another test in 6 weeks! I just had 8 vials taken a week ago...I'm diabetic so there's a ton of other stuff to check out. I'm used to it after 38 years but you're brave!

At 6:51 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

Hmmm...I've only got half a thyroid left...and every time I have 'em check if the poor l'il 50% is functioning, they claim that half is doing the whole job.

At 8:34 PM, Blogger Cynical Girl said...

Mona, you're not supposed to tell people that I'm babysitting for you. It's just a short-term thing until my acting career kicks into gear.

And stop looking at me that way when you pay me in cash. It makes me feel dirrrrrrty.


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