Monday, March 26, 2007

...lightning...thunder...y'know I'm not that strong

I’m having what can only be described as panic attacks. At least, I’m feeling panic-ky. For no reason and all reasons. Simultaneous and altogether and everandeveramen.

I think it’s because The Storm of Storms hit last night/early morning, nearly tossing me out of bed with its house-shaking and sky-lighting and gusts and bursts of hard rain against the window over my head and the windows my feet point to when I toss and turn.

I jumped bolt upright. Sat there for a minute.

Turned my back to the north and snuggled down in the covers. Mister Storm shook me again like my brain was a-fire, and this time I jumped up and covered my nakedness with clothes, for the Running-of-the-Mom to one of the kids’ bedrooms when they inevitably woke up screaming from the noise, oh the noise, noise, noise, noise.

They never woke up. Which is not like them.

I woke up. Constantly and consistently. Which is totally like me.

But worse. Much, much worse.

I’m all out of sorts.

I stood in front of the bathroom mirror at 5 a.m. and glowered at myself. Just because. Then I had A Bad Thought, which got my head and my belly in a spin. Then the Panic. It hasn’t stopped. I’ve been obsessing ever since about things in and out of my control. In. Out. Hell....

My head hurts.

I feel the need to jump out of my own skin, and into a tighter one.
Maybe it’s the need to jump out of this liquid feeling of open air, and back into the enveloping, sweaty denseness of the down quilt on my bed.
Perhaps it’s dissatisfaction disguising itself in Groucho-glasses-and-moustache as panic and sleep deprivation. When maybe I need to rethink What I Want To Be When I Grow Up.

The storm outside has passed.
Out of the sky, and right into my head.


At 9:49 AM, Blogger jo(e) said...

You captured this so perfectly -- what a great piece of writing.

(And sympathy for that panicky feeling .... I think you do need to soak in a nice hot bath ....)

At 11:08 AM, Blogger Sanjay said...

Beautifully captured the storm outside and the one within. it rages within all of us at some time or the other.
This too shall pass. I hope you feel better soon.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger meno said...

Oh i hate that panic. I get mine at 2:30 in the morning when i wake up and worry about anything and everything.

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

We had a storm last night and this morning. I always think the first storm of spring is neat...initiation rites. We still have spots of snow but it was warm today. Very fickle to get colder with flurries next week. Hope your body and brain stopp storming!
I'd like to jump out of my body into a smaller one!!!

At 8:51 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

Ow! A storm jumping from outside to inside. Yikes!

At 9:09 PM, Blogger Maggie said...

Ok well I think that somehow you brain waved to me in the night because we were stormless here and yet my mind was full of storms and tossing dreams. Stop doing that to me.

At 4:47 AM, Blogger Jeremiah said...

Yep, see? That's so right on. I have seen many a 3:34 AM where I'm trying to figure out how to stop my mind as I lay rigid in bed. I haven't found a solution. You'll get rich if you find one, because I will subscribe to it for life.


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