Tuesday, June 19, 2007

A Shot in the Dark

So yesterday I went to my OB for The Shot, the shot that would Stop All Nonsense, and I thought I was pretty smart.

I wore a short-sleeved shirt.

Usually on days when I have an injection, I encounter a Major Wardrobe Malfunction and wear something not only long-sleeved, but tightly long-sleeved, such that I have to twist my arm around my head three or four times, pulling fabric this way and that, off the offending limb, finally coming up with one good arm to poke, albeit with my bra showing out the side for good measure.


Not this time, baby, oh no. Short-sleeves. All the better to poke you with, m’dear.

Lovely Nurse Penny sat me on the paper-covered stirrup chair whilst she got the meds ready. It was a big needle. Big scary needle from a lovely blue plastic box, which I thought was deceptive…I mean, if you’re gonna give me a big fakkin’ shot, make the needle come out of a box that says Big Fakkin’ Shot Needles HERE. Just so I get the freak out.

Nurse Penny walked over to me and I pulled back a bit of the shirt sleeve, over my shoulder, for her to get a better look at where to stab my meaty arm.

Nurse Penny smiled.
I didn’t trust that smile.

Nurse Penny smiled, and her eyes sparkled, and Nurse Penny said, “Right cheek.”

At first I thought it was some bible verse or other, y’know, “Turn the other cheek”, like I should face the other way for Big Fakkin’ Shot Needle.

Oh no.

Nurse Penny was telling me to drop trou.

“Really? No, REALLY?!?!?”, I stammered. And then I laughed like a sort of nervous hyena for a second, and thought she was kidding, only Nurse Penny was now laughing with her mouth open, obviously enjoying the feeling of power, and I suddenly couldn’t remember how to unbutton my pants.

“Are you SURE?”, I asked her.

“Yep…right cheek,” Nurse Penny repeated.

It felt like high school, all those fumblings in back seats and front seats and nervous tittering and this-is-wrong-innit. I haven’t gotten a shot in my butt since I was a kid. What, was my arm so hideous, so deathly, that the only safe place was my ass? Fer cryin’…okay. I found the button and the zipper, and pulled pants and underwear over my pasty white mound of bum-flesh. There! I wanted to shout at her. THERE! You wanted it, you got it, lady. Big. White. Pasty. Bum. Flesh. I sat down nervously.

“You can stand up, it’ll be easier that way,” Nurse Penny suggested. I turned my back to her as she grabbed a handful of skin, in that ‘pinch an inch’ way that Special K Cereal told us to years ago. Only butt-wise.

“Little poke, I’m sorry,” she said, and then...I felt nothing. I was expecting, like, bee-sting-y feeling, like when the lab tech takes my blood for thyroid tests, or when the dentist decides to play Steve Martin in “Little Shop of Horrors”, or when well-meaning doctors take cell samples by cutting out parts of my cooter. But…this time…nothing. And then, the smallest of smallest feelings of burning, like stinging, as the liquid coursed into my biggest body part. “The injection takes a while to finish, sorry, this will take a few minutes.”

The burning intensified only slightly, and Nurse Penny and I stood there, with Big Fakkin’ Shot Needle sticking out of my big ol’ behind, and then it occurred to me…IF the kindly Nurse HAD given me the shot in my arm, it would have hurt…a lot…and I would have had to look at the offending pointy object, which would have appeared as a machete sticking out of my poor old appendage, and I probably would have passed out. At least this way, I couldn’t see it, I hardly felt it, and Nurse Penny and I could have a pleasant chat about the weather and the OB and FMLA forms.

She finished with a gentle pull-out of the needle and a crinkly snap of a band-aid. Not bad, I thought. Not bad at all.

After several chats with several other office staffers, I headed to my car to return to work, feeling pretty durn good. A little freaked out about what the shot was supposed to do (hot flashes? Aren’t I hot enough?). I slid into my car, and…DAMN! Shot! Butt! Sting! Yeow!


Not an altogether bad feeling.

A little slap-and-tickle feeling.


Dish this...have you had a shot in your butt lately?


At 12:11 PM, Blogger Sanjay said...

Aww poor you!
Luckily no shots in the cheeks and hope not for a while.
But the cheeks were made for big farking needles.. and other things :)

At 12:12 PM, Blogger meno said...

Not for years and years. But if it was my ass, Nurse Penny could have pinched more than an inch.

Hot flashes. Yeah. They aren't so much fun. But more fun than bleeding profusely.

Thinking of you...

At 1:10 PM, Blogger Jeremiah said...

I thought butt shots hurt real bad, more than a slap. I haven't had one (a butt shot) since doctors stopped bleeding people or diagnosing patients as having "the vapors", but I recall it hurting so much that I'd rather have had the school bully kick my ass that day.

Butt shots have come far, and, so has my butt, for that matter (dang fried chicken and bacon--damn you!.

Stay up!

At 2:15 PM, Blogger pinky pinkerson said...

That is SO FUNNY. Whenever I know I'm getting a shot, I wear a sleeveless shirt and a sweater!

Hmmm - the last time I got an injection in the cheek, I think it was maybe the first of two chicken pox shots? That was a long time ago, so I don't really remember. What I do remember is that each shot was HUGE and turned into a giant knot before dissipating over the course of a few days. Or maybe that was in the arm. I can't remember!

At 2:18 PM, Anonymous Joelle said...

I have and I can't recall feeling my leg for the rest of the day. I just dragged it around with me and pretended I was a pirate.

At 2:35 PM, Blogger TorAa said...

Hi, I did not know MI was such a scary place to live. I have a son (Norwegian - he is) married in Berrien County (SW MI). He too told me some stories meeting needles and more ... When needed after a Car Crash.

I just popped into your blog - first time visit.

At 3:27 PM, Blogger patches said...

Shot in the ass? At least thirty years. Foot in the ass? Last week. Foot in mouth? Daily.

At 8:41 PM, Blogger Irrelephant said...

Mona dear, I'm still laughing at the fact that you used the term "drop trou." Nice usage. And I'm profoundly proud that you are taking in stride (with a smile and a laugh and a big farkin' needle) something that would, in other circumstances and to other people, be a huge, life-ending drama. Brava, dear. You give me hope for the shards and tatters of my own pathetic existence. *wink*

At 11:07 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

Ha! Did they tell you to walk around so it didn't get sore? Never look at the needle!

At 10:27 AM, Blogger Maggie said...

Oh boy. I actually had this same shot about 2 years ago. Once a month. Sitting can be difficult for a day. It was so worth it for the lack of pain though.

As for the hot flashes, I had them but they were mild. Maybe you will be lucky and I'm betting you'll take the hot flashes over the other troubles of late!

Congrats on your recent butt kiss.

At 10:29 AM, Blogger Maggie said...

Oh I wanted to mention one more thing about that shot - you go the three monther - slow release but stronger than the monthly. I had the three monther about five years ago. Made me really emotional for a week or two right after the shot. Crying jags stuff like that. But it wears off. Just in case you experience it too, hang in and it will pass.

At 11:31 AM, Blogger jo(e) said...

I love the way you tell this story.

And really, the butt is the safest place to get a shot.

At 8:51 PM, Anonymous bugg said...

i can't rememeber the last time i got a tushy sohot, but awww, girl i wouldn't even feel it with as much white meat as i got going on back there.

thinking of you!

At 5:42 AM, Blogger gr said...

Well, no I havn't had a shot like that but I stepped on a tack the other day.

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Well, it'll be a small price to pay when you feel the benefits..the best is yet to come.

At 12:09 AM, Blogger seventh sister said...

I once had a nurse give me a shot in tha arm that was supposed to go in my butt. My arm swelled up and had a big ropey place in it for a few days. It hurt like hell.

At 1:06 AM, Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

During the infertility treatments, O had to administer a shot to my bum once a day for...three days I think it was. The first time he did it I saw stars. When I told him, he thought he'd killed me.

(P.S. Meno's lying; she has a small butt).


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