St. Patrick Did NOT Drink Green Beer

Here in University Town, all the bars open extra early. They all sell green beer at fantastically cheap prices. They make a killing off hot wings and burgers. The streets are clogged with drunken revelers, there are cop cars with flashing lights and sirens going all damn day and night, and in the morning, folks who live near campus wake to find plastic cups in their yard and puddles of boy-pee on their sidewalks.

Happy Effin’ St. Patrick’s Day.

Here’s an Irish List:

1) Sergei and I are both of Irish ancestry (mixed with fack-all, of course, in a truly traditional American Melting-Pot way).

2) Sergei’s mom and her husband visit Ireland every year and bring us back goodies. So far, we've not gotten any 4-leaf clovers.

3) I get gooshy when I see a photo of Irish landscape.

4) I have a photo print of an Irish pub in my dining room.

5) Yesterday I made corned beef and cabbage. And Irish soda bread with beer. And Irish potato candy. And did not drink.

6) On or near St. Patty’s Day we watch either “The Quiet Man” or “The Secret of Roan Inish”. The former is funny as hell. The latter is a charming fairy-tale that always makes me cry at the end. (Damn you John Sayles.)

7) The last time I was truly well and pissed (er, drunk, that is) was on Irish whiskey. Sergei and I were watching “Band of Brothers” and drinking (me to excess), and I got happier and happier until the room started spinning and I had to run for the Porcelain God. I was out of commission the entire next day. Sergei took care of the kids and house while I puked and complained. And he’s never held it against me. He’s my dreamboat.

8) Sergei can do an impressive Irish accent. Me? I’m not as good as that Lucky Charms cartoon guy.

9) I hardly ever remember to wear green. I usually end up cutting a shape out of construction paper at work and stapling it on myself so the guys don’t pinch me. (Any more than they usually do.)

10) Best bands from Ireland: The Pogues. U2 (circa 1980s). The Clancy Brothers. The Chieftains. But if I have to hear that Cranberries song one more time, I’m gonna scream.