Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Cantcha Smell That Smell?

What is it with my nose and phantom smells? I dunno if y’all have this curious olfactory blip, but every once in a while, I’ll be in a place that should be fairly devoid of any specific smell-age, and allofasudden I’ll be hit in the face with a smell that makes me stop dead in my tracks and spin around and say, “Okay, who’s smokin’ the dope?”

Seriously. Usually the smells are of pot or of beer.

It happens at work usually, sometimes at the library, sometimes at the place where we hold school board meetings, and occasionally in a big-box store.

So, of course, I become a bloodhound and start sniffing around, seeing who’s in proximity and smelling them (only at work, m’kay?), trying to find the source of the smell. And, of course, in a flash, the smell disappears and I look like an idiot with my nose stuck in a pile of half-off t-shirts.

Thing is, I don’t think anyone has quaffed beer or smoked da ganja in any of those places. I think it’s some sort of sensory flashback or vicarious escapism, ‘cause I haven’t smoked since Clinton was in his first presidential term, and the beer I drink doesn’t smell like the cheap-ass shit I keep smellin’.

Of course, driving through campus this morning, any smells I encounter from now until next June actually COULD be beer, pot, really stanky B.O., or other morning-after detritus. Because the college students are coming back!!! In all their bad-driving-ness, in all their jaywalking-bad-behaviour, in all their superhero power and worldliness and cocky superiority. Which I excuse, of course, because they’re all so damn cute and sexy and innocent without their ways of the ‘actual’ world. For the next week or so, they’ll be hanging out on front lawns with tubs of beer and the inevitable water slide (yes, I’m looking forward to a taunting another time!).

You professors who read this blog are really lucky, y’know, to have fresh meat every 3 months. I don’t mean for sexual fantasies (of course that’s where MY head would be), but seeing those little bundles of hormones flutter in and out of your class and watching them be foolish and finally get some important stuff to stick in their heads. Which is more than I can say for being out in the world and having a job where it’s the same boring middle-aged men every frickin’ day and hearing their bitching and whining and trying to talk them off the ledge.

‘Spose I could go back to school and get a learned degree and become a perfesser of something (sexology?) and experience college again, over and over, for the rest of my life. Mmm…maybe too much of a temptation, offering ‘extra credit one-on-one sessions’ to the cutest boys in class. Don’t think I wouldn’t! I’d be the “Perv Professor” and they’d write me up in the underground ‘rating the professor’ pamphlets and stuff. So no, no sexy college classes for me, nuh-uh, nosirree bob. Gotta keep my distance from all the young men.

But maybe they could score me some beer and pot.


At 10:19 AM, Blogger No_Newz said...

How about going back to get your degree in sniffology? LOL!
Lois Lane

At 11:00 AM, Blogger Orange said...

Every couple of years, I smell a phantom dope aroma and my husband tells me I'm nuts. My cousin the Migraine Queen gets hit with phantom smells occasionally, but they're usually far less pleasant than your stale, cheap-ass beer. She could've sworn our waiter at IHOP smelled like BO and stale pee (appetizing!), whereas I was only picking up a stale coffee scent. And she has smelled mysterious poo stinks outdoors where I detect none. Maybe your brain is just wired to smell these things sometimes?

At 4:09 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

I think it's called "women's intuition." ;)

I swear I can smell phantom stripper.

At 6:12 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

yeah...why do you think I'm secretly grateful for my extra 20 pounds, Mona???? heaven help me if I start feeling hot n' sexy around all those young, sexy-by-virtue-of-youth men...oh, god...I'm almost drooling right now, just thinking of them...i might hyperventilate!!! tomorrow...boys...pant-pant...

ok, reality check: there will also be tons of 20 year old girls there, which means plenty of sexy-by-virtue-of-youth women for them to choose from. Ok. I'm safe. PHEW. but daaaaaaaaaamn I should have a rich fantasy life this year!!!!

At 6:30 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Lisa, you could also have a hot professor. Some of them can be pretty damn compelling, trust me...

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Lois: As long as the final included sniffing my fellow students, I'm there!

Orange: Yeah, I think my sniffer is extra-sensitive. As well as other body parts (see orgasm posts).

Pisser: Is Phantom Stripper anything like 'Actress You Have to Make Out With On Stage'? 'Cause, yeah, I smelled that too....

Lisa: I'm gonna be living vicariously through your grown-up-college-student posts, so please, PLEASE, talk about the hotties in yer classes! And honestly, I don't think being older than the college boys turns 'em off...they like, we're totally HOT!


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