Rented Lips, Brain on Layaway

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and call myself a fairly articulate girl. I’m pretty smart, I do crossword puzzles in ink (though not as quickly or succinctly as Orange or Francis, but they’re celebrity wordgods). I write a fair piece, and have lust in my heart that can translate to steamy blog posts.

So WHY the frickin’ hell do I have problems with common words?

Okay, there are some words my mouth just can’t form. The most confounding is the word “rural”. Say it. “ROOOOORULLLL.” All my tongue does with that is twist backward at an alarming angle, threatening to choke off my air supply. Dagnabbit, I grew up in a RURAL community! And I can’t even say it! Do I have to move to Germany or Russia to get that guttural linguistic fluidity?

There are other words that I can’t say, not because my mouth doesn’t contort right, but because my brain can’t decipher them because it’s damn confused. All it takes is one person to pronounce something a different way, a way that I think is wrong, but that others don’t correct, for my gray matter to cramp and go…uh…wha…??...

Example one: What’s the hanging thing you put over a crib, with animals or pictures or pretty birds on strings, that rotates around and around sometimes with music, that amuses your wee babe? Is it a “MOH-BEEL”? Is it a “MOH-BILL”? Is it a “MOH-BULL”? What the FUCK IS IT????

Example two: When your stomach is really upset, do you complain of “NAW-ZEE-AH”? Or is it “NAW-SEE-AH”? Or would you say “NAW-ZHA”? How about “NAW-SHA”??? Goddammitfuckjeebuschrist.

Example three: When your blood sugar gets all outta whack, do you have “DIA-BEE-TEES”, or rather “DIA-BEE-TIS”? Faaaaack.


I’m sure the dictionary has multiple pronunciations of these, but I don’t care…what do YOU say? ‘Cause, really, I’m sick of sounding like an idiot….