Helpin’ Some Guys

Michael emailed me to ask this question:

What should men in committed relationships get for
their female SO's for Valentine's Day? I just can't
bring myself to give anything out of the usual litany:
candy, picture frames, romantic movie DVD's,
underwear-drawer delicates that are as much for me as
for her. I'd like to get something "meaningful" (as
they say) but still creative. Bonus points for hot.
Help?


Glad you asked, Michael! Yes, it’s true that Valentines Day is fast approaching, and once again, I feel sorry for you guys. Women are difficult to buy for once they reach a certain age (that is, if she’s over 21, cause then she can buy the beer herself).

A heart-shaped box of choccies is nice.
Flowers are nice.
Lacy underthings are nice (although we don’t so much ‘wear’ them as ‘model’ them and then get them ripped off for frantic, mad, hot, wet monkey sex…nuthin’ wrong with that).

But if you want to go outside the typical, I have a few suggestions:

1) Help her get into or continue a hobby. Has she mentioned that she'd like to take an art class, or learn to make jewelry, or become a fantastic Italian chef? Get her a gift certificate to the local community center's learning annex, or a gift card from a craft store, or a cookbook/video set of that Food Network celeb that she's always going on about..."And then Paula Deen made the most unbelievable brownie cake!"

2) Do you have kids? Get her a ring with the birthstone of each of your kids. She'll wear it every day. Doesn't have to be too expensive, jewelry stores love to make that stuff.

3) Get her a massage or a day at the spa. Later, make her dinner. Do the dishes. Feed the cat. Make sure she isn't on her period, 'cause you'll probably, more than likely, get fantastic sex sometime in there. Prolly more than once.

4) Buy some 'Axe' cologne spray and spritz yourself with it. Crawl in bed with her, naked. She will have unbelievable sex with you...oh...WAIT...that's just me. (That stuff is like crack-encrusted-opium. Daaaaaaamn.)

5) If you have kids, send them to the grandparents for the entire weekend. That's usually enough of a turn-on for me.

6) Plant a tree for her. Something that blooms real purdy, preferably red buds or flowers, or something ginormous like a hibiscus. OR buy her an indoor plant, specifically, an orchid. They’re easy to take care of, and when they bloom, they look like sex.

7) An MP3 player. I love mine.

8) Cell phone and wicked good service.

9) If she likes sports, get her tickets to a game, or a team jersey, or maybe an autographed something.

10) Bookstore gift card, coffee shop gift card, and one whole day off. Off work, off kids, off house, off chores. Change the bed linens while she’s gone. She’ll bark like a dog for you.

What say you, people? What suggestions do you have for Michael? What’s the best Valentines Day gift you’ve given or received?

And if you haven’t voted yet for the BoBs, go NOW and vote for Used Hack. Tell yer friends. Anyone who puts a photo of Ron Jeremy on his site deserves yer vote!