Cheaper than Surgery

I need a new nose.

And a new face.

When I had eyeball surgery 2 years ago, to correct a "leaky eye" that was a result of a tear duct gone horribly bad (the surgery that corrected the problem for all of a month? maybe? that cost me a thousand dollars after insurance paid their measly few cents? yeah, that one.)....

Wait...my detour derailed my train of thought.

Eyeball surgery...yeah...in one of the surgical follow-ups, my opthalmologist said, "Did you know you have a deviated septum?" I said no. And I didn't really know. But I did know something was amiss. Y'know how when you look at your nostrils in the mirror to check for boogers (oh c'mon, like you don't), you should see two straight passages of cave-like darkness? Well, I don't. One is all cavernous, but the other has a mountain range blocking my lane, like driving down to Florida at night, and somewhere in the Carolinas you realize you're thisclose to driving into a reeeeally big hill and exploding your car's gas tank and all your measly college-student savings you were gonna spend on beer at Ft. Lauderdale.

Uh-oh...derailed again.

Beer...driving...mountain...oh yesh, my nose.

I can't breathe most times. When I wear my glasses the pressure on my nostrils becomes such that I become a slack-jawed mouthbreather.

I snore. I drive Sergei totally farggin' nuts.

I can't talk a full sentence without some nasal crap running down the back of my throat and making me sound like Peter Brady when his voice changes...mix that with someone gargling with Maalox, and that's it.

My nose shape doesn't help either...like someone tried to make a triangle with a lump of PlayDoh, made something that looks vaguely like a pear with a Quasimodo hump at the base, and stuck it on my face.

Makes you want to kiss me, huh?

The opthalmo...oh crap, what a long name...The Eye Dr. Guy said he could fix my nose.

I'm not sure I can trust him, given that my eyeball thing didn't turn out so well. Not that it was his fault, I'm sure my eye/nose/sinus area is a General Region of Plagues anyway.

And I'm not sure I want to be out of work for 3 weeks, or even one week, stuffing cotton wadding up my nose-al area.

I don't have the Thousand Dollars that insurance will Not Cover.

But I sure would like to be able to breathe again.

Maybe one of y'all could just stick a Dremel up there and carve out that mountain range, huh?