Friday, April 29, 2005

...In My Mouth

This shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone, given my posts on smoking, eating, and sex...but I'll just say it for the record:

I'm orally fixated.

Dieting sucks 'cause I just wanna stick anything in there to fill that gaping hole. And if I go too long without anything rolling around my tongue, I go through a sort of withdrawal and start shoveling pens, paper clips, tins of mints, and people's digits in there. Okay, just my digits. Usually.

So I thought, since time is of the essence today, and my pals in the blogosphere are doing all sorts of groovy things with lists, I'd do a manic 10-minute exercise (between visits from my boss, who keeps stickin' his graying head in my cube to ask questions about work). I'm gonna list 'Things That Have Been in My Mouth the Last 12 Months". Spoiler Alert: Could be very lame.

Okay, here goes, and in no particular order or frame of reference:

1) raw fish, baked fish, fried fish, smoked fish, fish crackers
2) simultaneously, 8 fingers and 2 thumbs (none of them mine), 3 pieces of gauze, 2 cardboard xray tabs, 2 steel files, 1 mirror-on-a-stick, and a partridge in a root canal
3) scotch bonnet hot pepper
4) cable remote control
5) needle and thread
6) wax lips, plastic dracula teeth
7) Sergei's cock and balls (sounds like an upscale restaurant..."Sergei's Cock and Balls, Serving Only the Finest Meats Since 1970")
8) pens, pencils, markers, crayons
9) bottle caps
10) a stray hair (mine), a pubic hair (not mine), cat hair (someone's got to give the kitty a good tongue-wash)
11) an entire cucumber, at once, to impress the boss
12) half a can of Reddi-Whip, at once, to impress the kids
13) 6 oz. of bubbly water, exploding outta the bottle (impressed ME)
14) paper clips, hair clips, chip clips
15) a pack of postits
16) paper money (bleech....)
17) toothbrush, toothpaste, floss, listerine, sharp metal objects not approved by the ADA
18) party horn, harmonica, a blade of grass as a high-pitched whistle
19) my fingers in the heat of passion, Sergei's body parts in heat of passion, half a Hershey bar, all at once, in the heat of chocolate passion
20) nails, tacks, a steak knife
21) beefalo steak, a pig's loin, bacon, bacon, bacon

I gotta go to a meeting, and the list is pretty lame. In past years I could have included rattlesnake, emu, assorted toys (sexual and otherwise), but I'm at a loss right now.

I DO know this though...tonight "Things That Have Been In My Mouth" will include greasy food, chocolate, and some pinot-something wine. And lots of it!


At 11:17 AM, Blogger Elysia said...

Aside from the paper money (egads, do you know how many people's nasty hands have been on that, or how many times it was rolled up and used for inhaling whatever, or folded into a point to dig dirt out from under someone's nails???? EWWWWWW!!), your list sounds pretty much like mine.... of course the live meat selection would belong to MY husband on my list - hee hee!

At 3:40 PM, Blogger unique said...

Damn prolific neoblogger! How the heck'd you stay quiet until now?

Happy to add you to my list of ways to spend otherwise productive time I should be billing to someone.

Smiles to Sergei.

At 12:04 AM, Blogger Noran said...


At 10:51 AM, Blogger Maine said...

I use my mouth like a third hand sometimes. My wife is constantly pulling guitar picks and credit cards out of there.

But hey... I've got to hold that stuff somehow.


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