Tuesday, August 30, 2005

No Thanks (clickclickclick), I'm Tryin'-A Cut Down

I love food.
I love to cook. And bake. And mix and frappe and knead and roll and pour.
I love to read recipes and make them for my family and the guys at work and make up stuff and hear Sergei say, “That recipe’s a keeper, hon!”
I love the Food Network. Alton Brown gets me hot. And Morimoto from Iron Chef. And, yeah, okay, Rachael Ray is pretty hot.

But there’s some food that could just drop off the face of the earth, and I wouldn’t care. Worse yet, I’d cheer and wave banners saying, “Good riddance, ya bastards!”

1) Mocha. What the hell? Whoever thought of combining two of the most perfect foods on earth, hoping to unlock some sort of super-secret chemical reaction that would make us all gush in our panties was wrong, wrong, WRONG. Chocolate is chocolate. Coffee is coffee. Never the twain, folks. I’ve tried Mocha as coffee, I’ve tried it as ice cream, and as candy something. And every damn time I’m expecting some sort of orgasmic experience with it, some sort of !BAM! explosion of chocolate, and !POW! eruption of coffee...and all I get is...(sputter...spark...coooough...)...something that looks and tastes like the mud puddle that forms in the low spot in our lawn. No. Uh-uh. Doesn’t work for me. Unless you pour half a jar of caramel in there, and a handful of itsy-bitsy chocolate chips on top, I get nuthin’. Just fat coffee. Maybe my tongue just wasn’t meant to appreciate this. I want a cup of coffee, a bar of chocolate, and I’ll be happy.

2) Lime (fake). The real thing, a real, fresh lime, is a wonderful thing, squoze in tonic water (maybe a bit of vodka or gin in there, whatthehell) or on a lovely piece of fish or chicken, or in guacamole, oh-yum! But anything fakey-fake made to taste like lime makes the pits behind my jaws ache and my tongue telephones my gut, “Uh...no one take a coffee break...we might have to blow.” I can identify exactly why the revulsion. My family. The green jello at family reunions with what looked like lovely fruit inside, but was really studded with...BLEAH!...shredded carrots and celery??? THAT’S dessert? Or those stupid lime Dum-Dum pops we got at the bank, and I’d always have to let my younger siblings pick first...the root beer...the cherry...the butterscotch...and the lime goes to Mona! ‘Cause she’ll eat it, and the younger kids are SO precious and get the good flavours! Stupid bank tellers. Nowadays, though, sometimes candy makers are kind enough to make green candy taste like sour apple, which is fine. I always make my kids taste the green ones first. If it’s lime, I leave the room to avoid a scene.

3) Malted milk balls. Urgh. My stomach is doing flip-flops just thinking about this one. Malted milk balls have two components which annoy me: 1) they taste like bad, boiled-down beer, and 2) the sound...OHMYGOD, the sound!, that awful scraping sound of whipped malt against yer teeth, like you’re eating some sort of dirt clod, FAAAACK! Never liked ‘em as a kid. As an adult, I’ve tried them from time to time, seeing if my taste has changed, and I’ll let one melt in my mouth until it’s soft enough to suck into mush (I WILL NOT crunch it, you can’t make me!). Nope. Still reminds me of syrup-du-skunky-beer. I love Bridge Mix, the fruit and nut mix of candies. I’m usually pretty good at picking out the malted milk balls from the bag, but every once in a while I mistake one for a nice cherry nougat, bite into that sucker, and YAAAAAAAAAHHH!!...spitspitspit. Like some damn malt-bomb. I will buy them for Sergei and the kids at Easter, but I handle the box like it’s full of nitro.

I’m gonna have to stop now, as I distinctly remember seeing part of a Hershey bar in the refrigerator tonight...nowhere near the coffee....

10 Comments:

At 11:22 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Life's too short to eat green candy.

Reminds me--did you see the pic of Rachael Ray I posted a couple weeks ago?

 
At 11:30 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Serra: YEAH! She was totally hot! But I thought she had bigger thighs and smaller breasteses in real life. Those guy-magazines sure have good photographers!

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Orange said...

At another blog I read, there was a game in the comments called Cliff, Shag, or Marry. List three related people and say which one you'd throw off a cliff, shag, or marry. One of the trios included Alton Brown, and everyone wanted to cliff him! But he's so funny, and cute, and cooking-geeky!

I used to eat entire cartons (those, like, quart-sized ones) of malted milk balls. I don't get the appeal now, but I could plow through a whole carton in two days when I was a kid.

Mocha = bad because coffee = bad. It tastes burnt to me. I think I'm a supertaster who finds bitter things far more bitter than most people. Yo, I even find vanilla ice cream to be too bitter for me these days.

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger Beltane said...

Hahah Mona <3 to you today for making me laugh!

Though, I do love my Mochas from starbucks...

 
At 12:07 PM, Blogger Used Hack said...

My wife loves her mocha and malted milk balls, but I can see where you're coming from. Especially with the fake lime juice.

I like Alton Brown, Morimoto and Rachel Ray too. Gotta love the Food Network.

 
At 2:26 PM, Blogger annush said...

i think i am going to learn how to bake stuff in the near future...can you believe that i've managed to live for almost 26 years without ever baking/cooking ANYTHING??

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger Avatar said...

I'm so impressed, as I can't bake worth shit; I make stepping stones instead of cakes, and I hate the creativity-restrictive nature of baking.

I've made a list of my food dislikes here.

 
At 4:28 PM, Blogger Sloth said...

Don't forget okra!!!

Furry AND slimy!!

Worst.Food.Ever.

 
At 11:38 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Orange: Here's how geeky about Alton Brown I am...I bought one of his books, and am reading it like a perv, making notes in a notebook. The properties of sugar, what makes them work in a recipe, that sort of stuff. Oh, Alton is just yummy like a jelly sammich!

Beltane: There's a Starbucks inside our local grocery store, and a nice Venti Latte usually soothes my frazzled nerves.

Used Hack: Welcome! I'm amazed at the 'secret ingredients' they reveal on the original Iron Chef. Who eats sea urchin, anyway? Oops...I guess they do.

Annush: I feel I should send you a recipe..."Seven Layer Bars", maybe, something sweet!

Avatar: Mmmm...the ham description...I'm droolin'!

Sloth: I'm convinced my parents made me eat okra for punishment! Y'mean, some people eat it (gulp) willingly??? (shudder)

 
At 2:34 AM, Blogger Marcheline said...

Mona,

I'm SO with you on all that food stuff.... real limes only, please. Mocha? Yucha. And malted milk balls? I'd rather have baby monkey balls.

I LOVE OKRA, however. Fried, of course. You can keep the lima beans, they suck. And never, ever let anchovies touch my salad, or you will be seeing that salad again soon - coming right back atcha.

Faves are fried green tomatoes, (can you tell I was raised by a good southern woman?), spinach crepes, marinated meat (any kind), and junk food of choice is Doritos... yum!

Damn, it's 2:30 am and I just gave myself the munchies. Rats.

TTFN!
-M

 

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