Monday, December 05, 2005

I Love Cake

A few disjointed thing-ma-bobs because it’s Monday after a not-very-relaxing weekend and I’m s’posed to be working right now.

1) Do I have a frickin’ magnet in my head? One that attracts long trains? ‘Cause nearly every morning I’m thwarted at my attempt to get to work by at least one train. Going very slowly. Carrying calcium chloride or something that makes me think, “Hmmm…does that stuff burn?...if the train overturned, would I die immediately or would my body smolder for a good 10 minutes?” Hmmm….

2) Why does every bowling alley smell like my dead gramps and his dead friends were in there smoking it on up until their lungs resembled lumps of coal? And why can’t I make a visually impactive description of smelly bowling alleys that doesn’t involve dead guys? Why Dog Why?

3) Is it proper to tell a bratty 8-year old boy to ‘shut the fuck up’ when he gives me shit as I hand out cupcakes to his class?

4) I made a deal with Jeebus last Saturday, as we were driving back from visiting relatives in another state. As we hit a blizzard on the west side of Michigan. At night. Surrounded by semis and grandmas who haven’t driven in a year and assholes who thought 75 was a pretty good speed to propel their huge mo-fo trucks. As I dug my nails into a lovely rattan gift basket of jams and jellies, I silently said, “Okay, whoever is in charge of the world, if you get us all home safe, I promise to give up lusting after this guy.” We got home safe, and now all I can think about is the guy. Because he was my newest boyfriend. And I shot that all to hell.

5) But I did have a dream about Mike Doughty. Who looks like my newest boyfriend. So it kinda evens out.

6) At midnight last night I was playing Cake. Writing To-Do Lists and jamming to Cake. Now all I can think about is Cake. Cake Cake Cake.

7) Seven’s a good number to stop on.


At 11:32 AM, Blogger Orange said...

1. No.
2. Just because.
3. Absolutely.
4. As an atheist, I absolve you of any obligation to keep this promise. Lust away!

At 2:02 PM, Blogger Elliot said...

1) Long trains? There's something Freudian in there that I'm not going to touch.

2) This is an actual fragrance used by bowling alleys--Dead Gramps. There's also Grandma's Pillow and Hot Outhouse, which are frangrances usually used by bus stations.

3) No, but you can give them a look that says the same. Practice it in the mirror. When delivered correctly, the kid hears you loud and clear.

4) You get one prayer answered free and clear per day (unfortunately, selfish ones, like "make me a billionaire" usually just get a Holy Giggle). Get your lust back on because I think you're alright.

5) Sure you weren't dreaming about Sting?

6) They define 'sardonic' says Rhapsody. I agree.

7) Try 7.5 some day. It's a gas.

At 2:27 PM, Blogger Maine said...

Cake is a vastly underrated band. Vastly!

At 4:16 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

I love Orange's and Elliot's answers...and I just plain love Maine, but that's something we all have in common, isn't it girls? :)

Anywho. I wasn't planning on answering each question or concern, but now I feel a bit like a slacker. Well. 7-4-7 7! 7! 7!!!!!

At 4:37 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Lisa: Of course!

I can't believe I missed the whole Freudian thing.

At 11:47 PM, Blogger Teri said...

Cake! I love cake. The band, anyway. As deserts go, I prefer pie...

At 8:03 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

WTF is wrong with that kid? Who doesn't like cupcakes...?!

Absolutely, yes. Tell him to cram it up his little chocolate whizway.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Marcheline said...

Mona -

I love your writing style, but girl, you can have those guys all to yourself. Dey beez yoogly!!!


- M


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