Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Spank the Monkey, Rub the Lily

Let’s talk a bit about masturbation, shall we?

Since the dawn of time (cue the monolith from “2001: A Space Odyssey”, please), humans have masturbated. We do it because it feels good. We do it alone or with others, we do it at home, at work, on subways (er, not the best idea), and hands-free while driving. We do it with eyes closed, or with eyes open staring at ourselves in the bathroom mirror a la Henry Rollins. We fantasize or not. It’s satisfying or not. We feel guilty or not. It’s a basic human discovery.

HOW we masturbate, aye, there’s the rub (pun intended, most indeedy).

I recently read an article (and found backup evidence here) that warned against masturbating while prone, especially if you’re a male. (Boy-child does this, and I’m afraid I’ll have to have a talk with him…that article scares the piss outta me.)

Needless to say, I’ve been pondering my own habits, and my history of rubbing the button.

I can remember masturbating when I was in kindergarten, and prolly did so before that. Always on my back, always in bed. As I got older, my position and location didn’t change much, but my technique was refined and honed. I use the three middle fingers of my dominant hand (right), with the middle finger serving as activities director.

In high school I ‘graduated’ to the shower, one foot in the raised corner of the tub, the other foot on the floor (and it took me way too many near-misses to discover that one should NOT use bath oil BEFORE masturbating in the shower, unless you remember to thoroughly rinse the floor of the tub of any slippery remains…ouch).

Toys came into play in my 20s.

Hands-free masturbation came in my early 30s, while stuck in traffic. Lucky day, that.

Aside from that, I’m not an adventurous masturbator. I’ve never done it prone or in public, but I did do the Henry Rollins mirror thing once.

What’s the most adventurous masturbation thing you’ve ever done? Or want to do? Have you ever been caught?

1 Comments:

At 10:06 AM, Blogger Horny Old Guy said...

An appopriate post for May of course is "National Masturbation Month". (Y'all join in the festivities!) Most adventurous thing I've done? Hmmm...after 50 years of whacking off, there is not too much I HAVEN'T done in enjoying my "hobby". As Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in "Annie Hall", "Don't knock masturbation! It's sex with someone I love!" Truer words were never spoken!

 

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