Thursday, September 07, 2006

Rumours of My Demise

I’m here. Rilly, I am. See, I pulled a selfish prank and took a vacation where internet access was some futuristic idea read in old issues of Popular Science magazine. Upon return to the civilized world, having been gone for days and days, my boss thought it best to pay me for ACTUAL work, not just work I thought about doing. Of course, this happens to be our busiest time of year. The endless calls of “Mona, we NEEEEED you in this meeting!”, “Mona! Thank god you’re back! I have a REALLY tough problem for ya.”, “MOOOOOOOONA!!! Got a minute?”

No.
No I don’t.

I need trees and a lake and a frig full of beer, topped with chips.

I did a leeetle bit of trolling your blogs, but not enough to qualify.

I DID have several dozen “Great Ideas!” for blog posts that may, eventually, materialize. One of which involves a potential Fantasy Boyfriend, who is inserting himself repeatedly in my daily life.


If I were to do a post today, it would look something like this:

I.
Am.
Old.

I went to the eye doctor this morning before work, and after the exam she exclaimed, “Wow! You qualify for bifocals!”

She’s my age.

We wept together, then threw up, then I went to the outer room to talk with Fabulous Ryan about new frames and seamless bifocals.

Sergei will tease me endlessly. No doubt. Right after he counts today’s gray hairs on the top of my head and laughs knowingly at my creaky knees attempting to lift my carcass from the living room floor.

I like to think I’m “experienced” (the answer is YES, Jimi). And that bifocals are the New Fashion Trend. And that older women are sexy. And we ARE, dammit. But bifocals? Sheesh, what’s next, age spots? Dentures? Replacement hips? I’m still not finished getting tattoos, and eyeing those stupidfukking legging that all the college girls are wearing (one fashion trend that should be banished, IMHO), and thinking I’m so hip/cool/bomb by quoting lyrics from college radio bands.

Ah…now I’m just a cranky old woman.

As for Poetry Friday tomorrow…just remember what “Uncle” Ted Nugent said…”It’s a Free-For-All, baby!” Do what feels good. Let us watch.

6 Comments:

At 3:46 PM, Blogger Mr. Don said...

Yeah, I remember turning 40 and suddenly needing glasses. That was very long ago. Now I am looking into lasiks because no single pair of glasses will do the trick.

Ain't life a bitch?

 
At 8:28 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

I'm hanging onto my youth by not going to get glasses until I'm at least 50...or starting to run into things...or not being able to read blogs...whichever comes first.

 
At 9:43 PM, Blogger jo(e) said...

No, we aren't calling them bifocals. We are calling them progressive lenses. THAT IS SO MUCH COOLER.

I just got my first pair a month ago. So knowing you need them makes me happier. Because whatever you do is totally sexy.

 
At 11:09 PM, Blogger pinky pinkerson said...

I had a routine medical procedure done for the first time that I figured I was still too young for. yet my doctor recommended that I do it, so i went. when I told people about it, they were all, to a T, surprised at HOW TREMENDOUSLY OLD I am. It made me feel like I should start picking out cemetery plots or something. sheesh.

 
At 6:38 AM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Mr. Don: Insurance companies are really missing the boat here...if they just paid for the damn lasiks ONCE, I'd never (or rarely) need them to pay for the countless pairs of contacts and eyeglasses.

Lucia: You should have seen my resistance with the eye doctor yesterday when she mentioned the 'B' word...until she made me read something with bifocal lenses up to my eye...it was like magic!

jo(e): Oh, how I love you! Yes, we shall call them "progressive lenses" and tout their sensuality!

Pinky: I think I know the test of which you speak, and it doesn't mean you're old...it means you're health-conscious!

 
At 1:50 PM, Blogger Orange said...

My sister's 41, and she recently discovered gray pubes. Totally freaked her out. Is that worse than needing bifocals?

 

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