Thursday, October 04, 2007

This is the hell that’s wrong with me.

I have of late been unable to sustain idle chitchat. I’ve seen it in myself, in some otherworldly out-of-body experience, wherein I stare at myself from above and monitor my speech patterns and concentration and ability to feign interest in someone’s personal life or funny workplace anecdote. I float up there wondering why I’m not more interested, or interestING, or why I don’t step the hell up and shout, “That’s frickin’ SO awesome that you trained your puppy to wear a diaper! Way to go, you! Whoop! Whoop!”

Alas, I cannot.

It’s not that I’m depressed. I’m pretty happy most of the time.

It’s not that I don’t have contact with the outside world…there seem to be no shortage of people wanting to talk to, around, and with me.

It’s just that…I can’t. I can’t get the words to come out. I have somehow lost the ability to politely talk about nothing.

It may be a crisis of self-confidence.
It may be that my thyroid meds need changing.
It may be that the Lupron shot has finally worn off and the temporary menopause has drained me of my former chatty self.
It may be that work is kicking my lily-white heiney each and every day.
It may be that my children, who I love more than life, who I would kill or die for, take the air around me and fill it with stories and aches and problems and jokes and laughter and gut-wrenching sobs, so that my words can’t penetrate their low ground cloud.
It may be that I’m just tired. So, so tired. Spoiled from half a summer on medical leave, and now trying to eke 5 hours of quality sleep time from the dark hours.
It may be that my head is full of ToDos, ShouldDos, MustDos, and CanIDos.
It may be that I'm already thinking !Christmas!, and buying gifts and trying like hell to finally maybe make some gifts already.

I know fer sure that blogging is nearly impossible for me. Doesn’t help that I have to keep it secret, hiding it from the boss and from my co-workers, especially the one who sits in the cube across from me and can see everything I do and every site I go to. Doesn’t help that every night it’s the soccer practice and the dance lessons, and Do Your Homework, and packing lunches, and paying bills, and tallying up the endless school fundraising materials, and maybe I can read the paper and most times not, and maybe a little television while I make my ToDo list for the next day, and where the hell does blogging come in there?

It’s something I have to fight. I guess by just pushing through it. And here endeth another sermon from another blogger with Nothing Much To Say.

(Poetry Friday Word and such will return next week. Along with some giggling and fart jokes.)


At 9:15 AM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

AW, don't be so hard on yourself..You've had an awful lot on your plate over the summer and fall. We all go through the dry spells and times we just need to change it up. Hope it all comes back to you.

At 11:07 AM, Anonymous Mr. L said...

Hey, even if the person sitting near you couldn't see, rest assured that the System Administrator can see every site you visit anyway! :)

FWIW, I lost the ability to engage in meaningless conversation (in person, anyway!) about 20 years ago. I don't really miss it.

At 12:28 PM, Blogger patches said...

I feel you. Life can be so damned distracting, and that interferes with living.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Maggie said...

This time of year is especially harried with school and holidays coming and to top that off, you've most likely got a lot of hormonal juggling going on in there after the operation and the meds. So hang in and don't worry. You can always stare fixedly which makes you look intently interested. And every now and then throw in an "Oh my" or "Yeah I know".

At 3:18 PM, Blogger Faith said...

I got a "glare protector" for my screen after 4 months of "Are you looking for a new car?" and "Are you looking for a new house?" and "What's so funny over there?" questions from people approaching me from behind during my lunch "hour." Fuckers...stop looking at my computer screen!

You'd never be just "another blogger" to me, anyway. If that counts for anything. And I always love what you have to say. So there! :P

At 11:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous, too said...

Hang in there. We all go through times like this. You'll find a way to cope. It might be as simple as making a little time every day to listen to the cat purr, or letting a few things go so you can get a full 8 hours' sleep each night.

At 1:22 AM, Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

I hear ya. I think it's the Blogger zeitgeist. And as for small talk, just smile and nod and people will call you a good listener.

At 5:37 AM, Blogger D-Man said...

I'd like to hear more about the puppy wearing a diaper...


At 1:19 AM, Blogger Lisa said...

Happens to the best of us, my dear.

I would love to conduct a study on the shelf life of blogging. I mean, I wonder if at some point the benefits stop outweighing the effort...

You take some time for YOU, Miss Mona-Doll! You sound so overextended I'm surprised you can't see me from your perch... xoxo


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