Monday, February 18, 2008

Prude

I went to dinner with some fellow soccer-moms last Saturday, and we decided as a group that not only were we taking a Cardio Striptease class starting next month, but that one woman in our group HAD to throw a sex-toy party and invite us.

A couple of the moms said they'd attend, but that they'd never bought anything like that, and would they be embarrassed?

Wuh.

Well?

First of all?

I can't believe these women, in their early 40s or later, have Never (ever? never?) had a sex toy. Maybe it's me, maybe it's my childhood experimentation with barbie dolls and stuffed animals and a general sense of self-absorption and some quiet time alone in my bedroom to explore my yoni. I loves me some sex toys (I keep 'em in the 'special toy box' in the top of the closet, yo, so's the kiddos don't find 'em), and most of my good girlfriends do too.

Maybe it's my general liberal attitude towards sex...you should live together before you get married, and why not sleep together before the ring goes on your finger...you wouldn't buy shoes without trying them on first, right?

Oh yeah...and it's okay to masturbate. It's almost necessary. To find out what you like. To never have to depend on someone else to fulfill that desire. You won't go blind. You're not a slut. Yesh, you will still want to jump your significant other. And you'll have a much healthier sex life.

I'm sort of looking forward to the soirée...to see how the non-toy women react. To see what happens when the host breaks open those shrink-wrapped packages and out emerges Big Blue, with the variable speeds and the realistic vein-age. To act as Instructor when Ruth leans over to me, blushing, and asks, "Bu...but...what do I DO with it?" And I get to tell her in graphic detail what she can do, and should do, as soon as she gets home with the thing.

14 Comments:

At 2:00 PM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Keep us posted as to how much those babes stuff into their purses!! Sounds like a fun time! They'll be thanking you, I'm sure for broadening their secret lives!

(I did 2 mini-time poems)

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger Faith said...

Ok, just because some of us are adverse to toy usage, that doesn't mean we don't fondle the taco now and again. I just haven't ever seen the point to toys, personally. It's not necessarily a prude thing, IMO...

Wait...yes it is.

Anyway, my life is fine without the toys right now. We'll see where I stand in another few years or so...

 
At 4:21 PM, Blogger jo(e) said...

I've never owned a sex toy. I guess I've just never been somewhere that they are sold.

Now I'm thinking maybe that I just don't get invited to the right kind of parties.

Invite me to the party! I'll come!

And I won't hesitate at all to ask all kinds of questions ....

 
At 8:05 PM, Blogger gypsy said...

I've been to lots of "fuckerware" parties. One of them was with one group of girlfriends, most of whom aren't skilled in the masterbatory arts. Or, weren't then. It was so fun to sexucate them. I recommend this as not only a fun project, but as A COMMUNITY SERVICE.

 
At 12:48 PM, Blogger gr said...

...purse...taco....well! This is enlightening. Seems a little warm in here....

 
At 12:52 PM, Blogger meno said...

We call those parties "Toys for Twats."

Sounds like fun. I might need to attend. 'cept you live kind of far away.

 
At 10:55 PM, Anonymous Anonymous, too said...

Where have these women been all their lives -- under a rock?

You do need to channel Dr. Ruth and educate them. Using the accent is up to you.

 
At 10:39 AM, Blogger gr said...

I feel like I have wandered into some kind of Twilight Zone. I don't think a bunch of guys would hang around in the living room sharing TOYS of this nature, though.

 
At 12:56 PM, Blogger Irrelephant said...

I'd like to watch, if at all possible. And maybe film...

Have you used The Cone before? I've heard on the radio show from one very happy user of said meat subsitite and it comes (heh) highly recommended.

 
At 3:53 PM, Blogger egan said...

I've heard about this Cone thing too. You might want to pick that one up. Who will bring the batteries? I enjoyed this post very much, thanks.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Irrelephant said...

Egan, it gets a lot of play on my radio show on Sundays. Stucco's wife Schmoop is supposed to be doing a piece on it for the show (and gawd THAT sounds dirty) this coming Sunday, you ought to tune in. I know Mona is going to, since it's the Sex Episode.

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

Um. I've...never...had one. 37. *crawling back under my sad and lonely rock*

 
At 1:41 AM, Blogger Nancy Dancehall said...

37 YEARS OLD, not 37 toys. Just to clarify.

 
At 6:06 PM, Blogger egan said...

I'm so so so glad Nancy posted a clarification to her previous comment. Phew.

 

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