Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Mona's Magic Wa...uh...hey, is that IT?

I got the cooter wand today.

Totally unsatisfying.

Not like last year. That was more like...."DAMN! At least take me out to dinner first!"

Last year, the doctor 'found something' in my cooter that he wanted to check out. No, not in that way, ya pervs, with an ultrasound. So I innocently went to the lab and they did the normal external ultrasound. Then the lab tech said, "Go ahead and get undressed from the waist down."

"Excuse me?"

"For the internal ultrasound."

Tech and tech assistant, both women (thankfully) left the room, leaving me with a sheet and a stunned expression. Internal? What? The? Fuck? When I called to confirm, they never said nuthin' 'bout no damn internal ultrasound! What were these yayhoos trying to prove?

So I undressed.

The techs returned, lowered the lights to a passionate level, perched my little (read ample) ass on a stack of towels, and with a sound like a broadsword being unsheathed, unveiled

The Wand.


It was huge. Okay, it had a handle on it, but it was still...John Holmes Huge. (Okay, to all you guys, yes, it was as big as you. If anything is as big as you. Stop playing with it or you'll go blind, okay?)

I was instructed to help insert the thing, which I did...quivering...perched on 8 folded white towels...in a cold room...with the lights low...and a gentle humming from the machine next to my head.


Must be a woman designed the thing. Cause it reached the nooks and crannies, y'all.

The head tech (hee) was obviously training the other tech. So my procedure took forever. And I ate it up with relish and mustard. See, they put the probe in, then move it up, and down, and left, and right, out a leeeetle bit...in a LOT more. They were 'looking' for problems. I was aching for pleasure. I found my legs trembling and my thoughts wandering and my breath coming a bit too fast, it was damn hard not to just grab the thing and finish myself off. All I needed was some Barry White, and I wouldda been on the ceiling.

But I was a good girl, I was. And very disappointed when it ended.

I left the procedure all tingly and had to come back to work. My friend, Jim, noticed me as I came in the door with a shitty grin on my face, and he asked, "What did YOU do at lunchtime!" I gave him a quick wink before rounding up my girlfriend posse and detailing every move that damn wand made. 'Cause we girls like to share like dat.


Fast forward to this year.

10 a.m. this morning.

I'm all ready for the Magic Wand. I'm wet with anticipation. I show up early to my appointment, hoping to get more face time with the damn thing. The tech led me into the room. Different lab this time, different tech, different machine.

She did the outer ultrasound. Then she announced, "Okay, time for the internal!"

She left me to undress (I can drop trou in 13 seconds, people), and I used the remaining time to ogle the wand, sitting innocently on the machine next to me. It had a sort of condom over it. It reminded me of Sergei in length, but not width. (You still got that beat by a damn long shot, baby!) The tech reappeared to begin my probe.

She was TOO damn efficient.

No perching on a pile of towels this time, just "feet in the stirrups and scootch yer butt down to the end". She told me to help guide it in. But the magic just wasn't there this time. She was quick, by gum, knew exactly where to go. Not that I didn't enjoy it, understand, I did have a little fantasy about being serviced in a doctor's office by some young eager intern. But before I knew it, she was withdrawing the probe and announcing, "Okay! We're done! Go ahead and get dressed!"


I met with the doctor afterwards, he told me everything looks fine. Which is a relief, from a health point of view.

But I didn't want to tell him, "It's NOT all right, okay? I didn't get off with the wand! Can't I go back in? For five minutes? PLEASE?!?"

I'm back at work. I have no shit-eating grin. And my cube is not exactly conducive to "smoothing my orchid petals". But I'm not sure I can make it through the day without a little...sompin.



At 12:00 PM, Blogger Maine said...

I sat and watched as they used that wand on my wife twice. Isn't someone supposed to offer me cash to get in that situation?

At 12:09 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

I think the cash transaction comes first, along with a time limit and the unveiling of a weapon named 'Guido'.

At 12:15 PM, Blogger Sergei C. said...

It's good to know that it everything looks ok, and it's also good to know that I stack up ok, in that order.

At 4:39 PM, Blogger Rob Helpy-Chalk said...

Gynecological exam fantasies? I didn't think women actually had those.

Are you for real, or are you, like, some construction of Sergei's?

Or maybe Sergie is a construction you made?

Something is amiss.

At 5:09 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

That's what I thought...I expected the Mrs. to be all, "help! This pre-vert is holding me hostage!" ;)

Can't say I've gotten hot for the big Q-tip, but I've never had the wand. The colposcopy I had was rather un-fun, though.

At 9:25 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Nope, I'm fer real. Wanna quiz me or somethin'? (I'm just horny for a girl...there are a few of us out there, oversexed little minxes that we are....)

At 9:40 PM, Blogger Orange said...

I've never heard of anyone who actually ENJOYED the cooter wand. And I know plenty of women, myself included, who've been there, done that. You have special talents, Mona. You're not like the other girls. I hope Sergei knows precisely how grateful he should be.

Some techs/doctors just poke the wand in, while others say (and I paraphrase), "Here, stick this in your cooter while I wait." Everyone seems to prefer the method that they *didn't* have.

At 10:51 PM, Blogger Becka said...

I never had the pleasure of the wand. I always get the Q-tip, the wire toilet brush, then I get fisted.

It's not nearly as fun as it sounds.

At 1:29 PM, Blogger Avatar said...

I've had the wand. I did not enjoy it AT ALL. It was like shoving a cold, condom-covered, lube-slicked, steel broomstick up my vag. Just... no.

At 9:46 PM, Blogger Cynical Girl said...

I had the cooter wand when I was pregnant. I said to the doctor, "If I wasn't pregnant before, I am now."

At 9:11 PM, Blogger Pisser said...

HA, CG-!

I guess it's like the guy at the shampoo bowl...he can either almost make you c*m in your pants, or...wait, that's really no comparison to being intimate with a cooter club. Never mind.

At 5:26 PM, Blogger Okapi said...

Uk National Health Service has so far only provided me with 1)a middle aged lady nurse wielding 2)a small wooden scrapy stick thing.

I'm going private first chance I get.


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