Friday, September 02, 2005

Poems About Teen Testosterone

Sergei and I took the kids to a local high-school football game tonight. Cheap food, cheap seats, cheat trinkets, tentative football was all good.

Sergei and I mused after the game how most people there didn't watch the GAME. Most of the attendees were high-school kids, and they just watched each other. No big surprise, as there were some very cute boys there, and some absolutely, positively, drop-dead gorgeous girls. Where are they growing these oddities? With the big boobs and the small waists and the model faces and the attitude? The local water supply must be tainted, that can only be the reason.

So my poems for this Friday are about teen testosterone. That stuff that baffles parents, the ebb and flow of hormones that caused many a young man tonight to follow and chat up a pretty girl, then turn to his buddy and beat him with a foam 'Spirit Finger'.

Not my best work, folks, it's 1 a.m., and I'm not sure if I'm still awake. Am I? Here goes:

With All Apologies to Joyce Kilmer:

I think that I shall never see
A naked girl upon my knee.

A girl whose hungry mouth is pressed
on mine, because I am the best.

A girl with tits so firm and round
That my dick springs and hits the ground.

Upon whose bosom I will place
My hands, my lips, my tongue, my face.

I’ll never find her, ‘cause you see
I’m always here at my p.c.

Software’s made by fools like me,
But internet porn has girls for free.

With All Apologies to Dr. Seuss:

I am Horny!
Horny I Am!

That Horny I Am!
That Horny I Am!
I am not turned on by that
Horny I Am!

Do you like sex with teenage boys?

I do Not like sex with teenage boys!

Would you, could you,
Kiss me here?
Would you, could you,
Buy me beer?

I would not, could not,
kiss you here
I would not, could not,
Buy you beer!
I do not like sex with teenage boys!
I am not turned on by you, Horny I Am!

Would you, could you,
Talk some sports?
Would you, could you,
Stick this lizard in my shorts?

I would not, could not,
talk some sports,
I will not, will not,
Put lizards in your shorts!
I would not, could not,
Kiss you here,
I will not, will not,
Buy you beer!
I do not like sex with teenage boys!
I am not turned on by you, Horny I Am!




I will! I will!
I’ll talk some sports!
And sure, some lizards
in your shorts!
I will, oh yes,
kiss you here and there,
I’ll buy you beer
Most everywhere!
I DO! I DO like sex with teenage boys!
Horny I Am, let’s make some noise!

With All Apologies to Kurt Cobain, Krist Novoselic, and Dave Grohl, also fans of Viva La Bam:

Load up on stones
Bring your friends
It’s fun to hit
And pretend
Our balls don’t hurt
Like Steve-O’s did
When that dog bone
Bashed his johnson

Oh fuck (X16)

With the lights out, it’s more dangerous
Here we are now
With toys heinous
And they’re aimed right
At the ‘jewels’
‘Cause we’re nineteen
And all fools.
A big cow bone
A old cell phone
An ice cream cone
And we all moan

I’m worse at aim than Brandon is
But Ryan Dunn sure ain’t no whiz,
So topple him in PortaJohns
And punch ol’ Rabe...the party’s on

Oh fuck (X16)

With the lights out, it’s more dangerous
Here we are now
With our lasers
Burn our eyes out
And eat cow shit
MTV’s checks
Don’t hurt one bit
An old skate punk
A confused drunk
Smell like a skunk
Hit in the junk


Have a good, safe weekend, y'all! Don't drink and drive. Hell, with the price of gas, don't drive at all. Just stay home and drink.


At 8:54 AM, Blogger midwest_hick said...

Nothing wrong with a lil eye candy huh?

At 10:08 AM, Blogger Maine said...

You know what? I'm strongly considering recording a live version of that Viva La Bam song for you and emailing it to you. Strongly.

At 10:32 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Midwest: Oh I got some, alright!

Maine: Dude, I would PAY you to record this. And we'll send it to Bam, doesn't he need a new, cool theme song??

At 9:33 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Mona, dear, it has been way too long since you posted this. Now that the kids head off to full-day school tomorrow, I expect ample posting from here on out.

At 11:09 AM, Blogger annush said...

i really don't know how you come up with this stuff...really...


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