Monday, April 16, 2007

Domo Origato, Mr. Roboto

I’m not sure how it is in your city, but ‘round these parts, there are certain intersections, certain stoplight corners, where the engineers and construction guys thought to put pressure pads under the concrete. If the pressure pads sense a car on the ‘going east on Main’ pad, and senses no cars on any other pads, they’ll change the traffic light pattern to accommodate you…turning green so you don’t waste time.

I love this.

I can almost sense it. There’s a sort of ‘good-feeling’ vibe that comes off the concrete, and I swear the traffic lights wink…WINK…when they suddenly change pattern and bow to you, as if to say, “Dear lady, be of good cheer…as there are no other varmints or scoundrels in the vicinity, it is safe for you to continue. Have a pleasant day.”

And I continue on my merry way, no cursing or middle-finger-flipping to The Gods of Traffic Lights.

Now, why can’t they apply this sensibility to other things in my life? Other things that would make my life soooo much easier and less bird-flipping.

Such as:

1) Brain Wave Employment Monitor (BWEM) – measures the amount and strength of brain waves upon waking. If the user is sufficiently able to gather the necessary brain power to go to work that day, the BWEM lifts them up with hydraulic arms and walks with them, gently, a-la drunken-soldier-pose, to the bathroom where face-washing and teeth-brushing wake up the user. If the user can’t even muster up the brain-power necessary to remember either a) their own name; b) where they live; or c) the opening strains of ‘The Brady Bunch’ theme song, they are tucked gently back in bed, a call is made to their employer with an appropriate excuse (e.g., sick, cable guy coming, ‘feminine problems’), and the BWEM plays gentle ocean sounds until the user is fast asleep. (This would have been me this morning.)

2) Sick Child Assessor (SCA) -- when Junior complains of a headache, upset stomach, or other ailment, the SCA will determine 1) the chances of barf-o-rama; 2) the chances of the Five Day Fever Flu; 3) whether or not to take the child to the doctor or local ER; 4) what medicines are needed; 5) how many days off a parent will have to beg off work. Security settings ensure that the child cannot hold the SCA up to a bare light bulb and ‘fool’ it into saying the child has Terrible Fever and must stay home and watch cartoons all day.

3) Secret Ingredient Monitor (SIM) – does Grandma refuse to give you her recipe for Triple-Sexual-Chocolate-Cake? Aunt Beth won't tell you which herbs she uses in her Tater Tot Bake? Do mom’s recipes never quite work out for you the way they do for her? Don’t be fooled again…plug in the SIM, insert it in any type of foodstuff, and get an instant reading of the ingredients, proportion sizes, special baking instructions, and blender speeds. Comes with a handy Allergy-Distaste probe, so you can know if that buffet casserole has mushrooms in it or allergic-reaction-shellfish.

Got any other suggestions?


At 10:00 AM, Blogger patches said...

SCA would have so many takers...My brother's kids had chronic allergies when they were in daycare. He swore they needed to have a snot color chart to determine how contagious the kid was, as they always sent him home when his nose dripped.

At 10:57 AM, Blogger meno said...

I need a Bell Pepper Detector. BPD. "Alert Alert Bell Peppers are in the vicinity! Abandon the area. Alert Alert!"

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Maggie said...

How about a spousal mood indicator? So that if spouse is in a ruffled mood it alerts you and automatically serves spouse up the appropriate soother.

At 1:46 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

Pet peeve: Someone rolls over the traffic pressure pad and makes a right on red. I sit there...stopped for NOTHING! I'd glare and pout, but then, they're already gone and can't see me.

I'm sure any number of bloggers want a boss approaching the monitor alert.

At 1:56 PM, Blogger Faith said...

Ok, if my grandma had a Triple-Sexual-Chocolate-Cake recipe, I wouldn't WANT to know any of the ingredients. Ew ew ew ew ew EW!

Now that *tater tot* dealio...I'd be on board for that shit.

At 7:13 PM, Blogger Irrelephant said...

We've even got those wonderful pressure plates here in the Deep Sauth of Louisiana, but it SUCKS being a motorcycle rider because they don't detect the weight of a bike, absolutely refuse to do so. You've never really felt foolish until you've put the kickstand down and jumped up and down on one of those dang things just to see if you've got what it takes.

At 10:36 PM, Anonymous Anonymous, too said...

A special shoehorn to get the cat into the carrier in one quick and easy motion. Said device could then be used at the vet's or groomer's to swiftly and safely pry the cat out of the carrier.

My word verification is "maoopwx" -- the sound the cat makes while the vet examines the cat's mouth.

At 8:36 AM, Blogger Sanjay said...

lol.. you are teh funny! My BWEM is pretty flat this morning.
I am glad that things are better on the health front for you.

At 9:35 AM, Blogger Diana said...

I'll take one of each of your inventions and, after yesterday, I'd like to requisition a "Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire" sensor. Something that will detect for instance, a patient that is in to see you, a medical person, and really is just there for drugs, and not help. Instead of wasting 30 minutes tracking down records documenting prior episodes of drug seeking, and rehab notes, and examining them, the sensor would go off (perhaps it would be attached to the incomming phone line???) and would gently, but firmly tell them that this was not where they needed to be and then give them info to rehab facilities.

If they tried to get drugs under false pretenses again, it would, indeed, set their pants on fire.


I'd like that.

At 2:43 PM, Blogger gr said...

Mona, I was kinda thinking a good, old-fashioned clone would be helpful today. Why rush around? Make the clone clean the litter box and such, and save the fun parts for myself.


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