Domo Origato, Mr. Roboto

I’m not sure how it is in your city, but ‘round these parts, there are certain intersections, certain stoplight corners, where the engineers and construction guys thought to put pressure pads under the concrete. If the pressure pads sense a car on the ‘going east on Main’ pad, and senses no cars on any other pads, they’ll change the traffic light pattern to accommodate you…turning green so you don’t waste time.

I love this.

I can almost sense it. There’s a sort of ‘good-feeling’ vibe that comes off the concrete, and I swear the traffic lights wink…WINK…when they suddenly change pattern and bow to you, as if to say, “Dear lady, be of good cheer…as there are no other varmints or scoundrels in the vicinity, it is safe for you to continue. Have a pleasant day.”

And I continue on my merry way, no cursing or middle-finger-flipping to The Gods of Traffic Lights.

Now, why can’t they apply this sensibility to other things in my life? Other things that would make my life soooo much easier and less bird-flipping.

Such as:

1) Brain Wave Employment Monitor (BWEM) – measures the amount and strength of brain waves upon waking. If the user is sufficiently able to gather the necessary brain power to go to work that day, the BWEM lifts them up with hydraulic arms and walks with them, gently, a-la drunken-soldier-pose, to the bathroom where face-washing and teeth-brushing wake up the user. If the user can’t even muster up the brain-power necessary to remember either a) their own name; b) where they live; or c) the opening strains of ‘The Brady Bunch’ theme song, they are tucked gently back in bed, a call is made to their employer with an appropriate excuse (e.g., sick, cable guy coming, ‘feminine problems’), and the BWEM plays gentle ocean sounds until the user is fast asleep. (This would have been me this morning.)

2) Sick Child Assessor (SCA) -- when Junior complains of a headache, upset stomach, or other ailment, the SCA will determine 1) the chances of barf-o-rama; 2) the chances of the Five Day Fever Flu; 3) whether or not to take the child to the doctor or local ER; 4) what medicines are needed; 5) how many days off a parent will have to beg off work. Security settings ensure that the child cannot hold the SCA up to a bare light bulb and ‘fool’ it into saying the child has Terrible Fever and must stay home and watch cartoons all day.

3) Secret Ingredient Monitor (SIM) – does Grandma refuse to give you her recipe for Triple-Sexual-Chocolate-Cake? Aunt Beth won't tell you which herbs she uses in her Tater Tot Bake? Do mom’s recipes never quite work out for you the way they do for her? Don’t be fooled again…plug in the SIM, insert it in any type of foodstuff, and get an instant reading of the ingredients, proportion sizes, special baking instructions, and blender speeds. Comes with a handy Allergy-Distaste probe, so you can know if that buffet casserole has mushrooms in it or allergic-reaction-shellfish.


Got any other suggestions?