Friday, October 12, 2007

L, M, N, O, Q, R…

It’s been a few months since I peed my pants.

Some convergence of age, bouts of childbirth, and a healthy libido have managed to weaken those muscles down thar what keeps the pee in a nice little stretchy sack with a convenient easy-flo exit. Every once in a while, when I forget to pee (which happens a lot, I’m like a damn camel), or sneeze really hard, or maybe daydream about lying on a bed at the ocean’s edge with Raoul giving me a fabulous hot rock massage, like in those commercials, a teeny bit of warm amber liquid will suddenly !spring forth! and I’ll wiggle around enough to check the damage, deem it unnoticeable, and go about my bidness.

It’s not so much a problem now as a badge of honor.

More and more of my girlfriends are squirting pee in public, sharing the story, and making us laugh so much we squirt more pee.

My friend Beth told me she was driving to work the other day, sneezed hard, and let go a pool of pee in her pants. Too far from home, and too congested and hepped up on cold meds to really give a damn, she came to work anyway, wrapped a sweatshirt around her waist, hoped to the jeebus she wouldn’t sneeze again. She worked a short day and then, on her way home, she had to stop at the bank, and while in line…yep, she sneezed again, and the pee went, Hello!, and she pulled the sweatshirt tighter and prayed for an open teller window.

Well, yeah!

I mean, our whole lives we pee! First we do it in diapers, then in underwear whilst potty training, then those youthful years of purposely, gleefully peeing in parking lots and squatting over rocks at the campground and odd random experiments with urinals. After a while, though, our bodies wave a white flag (made of toilet paper) and say, “Y’know, I’m tired, people, tired of holding this mess o’ liquid inside. Kegels? Pffft. Screw you, I’m outta here”, and then the word “incontinent” slips in through the cracks of our brain, and as we stand in front of the feminine products at the grocery store, out of the corner of our eye we can see the rows of Depends, and we wonder how many more years before those appear in our grocery cart, and couldn’t we just use super-sized maxi pads instead?

Beth heard of a surgical procedure wherein a doctor inserts a thick tube into the urethra, like a shunt or tube in the ear, so the pee has a smaller opening to escape from, and prevents the occasional “sneeze-oops-I-peed” scenario. I’m not sure about that…doesn’t liquid, when forced through a narrow opening at a certain rate of speed, make the liquid come out faster, like a pressure washer? That’s all we need…to be calmly standing in line at the DMV when all of a sudden, we’re on a geyser at Yellowstone, hoping no one notices.

And that, dear bloggers, is my first post on pee. And hopefully my last.


At 7:51 AM, Blogger Orange said...

Been there, sneezed or coughed, done that.

My grandma had what is quite possibly the single least effective approach to managing urinary (and...) incontinence. The first line of defense? A Viva brand paper towel. Fold, place in underpants, hope for best. It was only after I told her that the human bladder can release a quart of pee in a single sitting (I have proof!) that she grasped that a paper towel was not up to the job.

At 7:56 AM, Blogger Maggie said...

Worst accidental pee moment:

Actually accidentally peed on a first date from a surprise sneeze. I hurried, trying to look casual, to a nearby bathroom. Didn't make it. In fact, it was so bad, there was need of something to wrap around the waist and as my luck would have it, I had none. So my date had to provide me with one. He was a gentleman about it. But alas, that relationship didn't last...I figured it was doomed from the beginning.

At 8:04 AM, Blogger Sanjay said...

Aww. And here I was looking for the Friday poetry word! :)

At 10:32 AM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I laughed at this till I peed!
We're right with ya or not far behind anyway.
Better than the accidents with a heavy period though, eh?!!

At 11:18 AM, Blogger meno said...

Pees release me, let me go....

Sorry, i am thinking of the crossed knee crouch that i assume during a sneeze. I see women the world over doing it.

Sometimes it works.

At 3:41 PM, Blogger ms chica said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

At 3:43 PM, Blogger patches said...

Self preservation is an art. I always thought drinking water was bad for you.

Whoops, alter ego be damned!

At 8:30 PM, Blogger Marcheline said...

I, too, have been the victim of the little-mentioned but oft-recognized Sneeze Pee. The weird thing is that it only happens when I am trying to deny the sneeze. When I say "what the fuck" and really put my heart into the sneeze, the pee thing never happens.

I've never had kids, though, and I'm not OLD... WTF is UP wit dat???

- M

Oh, jeez... the word verification for this comment is "godcporg" - can you even believe this shit??? HA!!!

At 9:40 PM, Blogger Irrelephant said...

A pee post! A definite pee post! And a damned funny one. 'Cept I don't pee when I sneeze, or laugh, or do anything other than, well, you know, get ready to pee. Still and all, one can hope that one day I'll know the joy that is the Sneeze Pee.

Gods that sounds sincere, don't it?


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