Friday, March 03, 2006

The One Where Mona Is Freaked Out

The older I get, the more I freak-facking-out.

Last night after the kids were in bed, I bagged up a bunch of returnable bottles (10 cents each in Michigan, baby, just like on “Seinfeld”) and stuck them in the living room, to take out to my car this morning. Sergei was on the PS2 in the living room, I was in the dining room paying bills, when the cat took an extraordinary liking to my bag of bottles. At first I thought she was just curious, as cats are, and I teased her about it (of course, to her, my voice sounds just like the grownups on Peanuts).

Then the cat started pawing at the bag.

Then I heard the distinct sound of struggle.

From INSIDE the bag.

Scritch scritch scratchscratchscratch.


Something was struggling to get OUT of the bag.

I didn’t really want to know what it was.

Mouse? Rat? Hippopotamus?

It’s still too cold for bugs, so grasshoppers and frogs didn’t make my list of whosywhatsis.

But we DID catch some mice in the garage last fall. And I didn’t look in the half-full bag before I added more bottles to it. So something COULD have been taking a nap in there….

I hauled ass, holding the bag from the tippy-tippy-top like it was full of live bees, flung it in the garage, and slammed the door shut.

Back in the house, Sergei said, “You know, if you don’t want what’s INSIDE the bag to get OUTSIDE the bag and IN the garage, you might want to throw that bag outdoors. The cold weather will kill whatever’s in there.”

He was right, of course.

So I ventured BACK into the garage, unlocked the back door, picked up and DROPPED the bag UPSIDE DOWN (FACK!), looked around for mice or rodents or bees, found none, picked up the bottle bag with just two fingernails, and threw that disgusting bag of live whatevah and plastic soda bottles outside. (Panic after having “issues” with the back door, which refused to open all the way because of the other garage crap in there, and the thought of wild vermin crawling up the teeny tie-opening and up my arm and biting me made me want to scream like a little wussy girl.)

I don’t know what to do from here.

I have a bag of returnables worth, oh, 4 bucks in the back yard. If I take it to the store to cash them out, and something jumps OUT at me, I will pee my pants in front of strangers.

Or worse.

Can you give me some tips here? Should I stick my hand into a potentially dangerous bag o' dead animalia for money?


At 11:29 AM, Blogger Stroll said...

I empathize with your outrage and horror. Even when our cat has KILLED mice they still terrify me as all creepy-crawlies do. Having some experience in this area, I would suggest the following.

Return to the bag, perhaps wearing some of those big yellow kitchen gloves. Untie it from the top, grab the bottom corners, and dump out the contents onto the lawn. Be prepared to RUN from whatever critter is in there. Once you've left it there for long enough for the critter to get away, you can go re-bag.

Or you could just sacrifice the four dollars in the name of sanity.

At 12:03 PM, Blogger Sergei C. said...

I think I'm going to want to videotape that.

At 1:35 PM, Blogger Mona Buonanotte said...

Stroll: Excellent idea! Safe, yet I won't look like a total idiot. Just a small idiot.

Sergei: Just don't show the kids.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I'm so hoping you got this issue cleared up. :o)

At 2:25 PM, Blogger gypsy said...

I'd probably leave it in the bag to suffocate, die, rot, and then explode from the heat when July comes. See my two posts on my blog from June -- the first is called "Fair Warning" and the second is called "Do Unto Others".

I am definitly not the girl to help out on this one. Sorry.

At 5:12 PM, Blogger Marcheline said...

Ummmm.... why don't you just chuck the bag in your outside garbage can and let the garbage dudes deal with it?

You'll always collect more plastic bottles - but you only have one sane mind (did I just say that?) and it ain't worth losing over a couple of returns, eh?

- M

At 6:58 PM, Blogger Serra said...

Marcheline, that would offend the gods of returnables. You should have seen the shitfit my fiance threw the first time I took the top off a pop can to put grease into for disposal. You'd have thought I'd cut his weenie off!

At 10:48 AM, Blogger jo(e) said...

I'm voting for the videotape!

Or just rip the bag open and let the cat have at whatever is in there.

At 5:11 PM, Blogger Used Hack said...

How come Sergi didn't do it. I do next to nothing at my house, but I always get stuck with that kind of shit.

(And I'm the one with the OCD animal issues too.) :)

At 8:04 PM, Anonymous Cecil B. said...

Tell the kids they can keep the money and let them deal with it. They'll never know.

At 7:20 AM, Blogger annush said...

i don't think $4 is worth that kind of stress...but do dispose of that bag somehow because if there is a rodent in there, you could end up with a bag full of rodents!


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