Monday, April 23, 2007

TMI (Guys, Cover Yer Eyes)

After Scarface week, my OB told me he wanted to do an endometrial biopsy, to rule out cancer as the cause of the Red Plague. He told me it would be a simple procedure, just a quick ride in the stirrups, and he’d know the results in a few days.

This morning I got to the appointment very cheery-like. I never have a bad time in the stirrups…hell, sometimes I LOVE being in the stirrups (recent ‘wand’ experience notwithstanding). The nurse took my vitals, handed me a sheet, and told me to strip from the waist down and cover with the sheet. Then as she was leaving to get the OB, she said, “It’ll only hurt for a few minutes.”

Hurt?

No one said ANYthing about "hurt".

I'm a big cry-baby.

Maybe she had the wrong patient.

My OB came in, we chatted about the next step in our little adventure (putting me on Super-De-Duper Low Dose Pill), and he had me saddle up.

While I was ass-over-end, before he started, he said, “I’m going to insert this thin tube (he held it up…it was as long as his forearm, with a grabber on the end) in your cervix, and take a sample of blood. (Gah, said my brain.) You’ll experience some cramping afterward, and it will hurt. It will. But only for a minute.”

Shit.

I’m really glad I didn’t know this before I came in, as I have a tendency to Freak The Fack Out over procedures I know will hurt.

Except childbirth, which I did freak out about, but not in the ginormous proportions I should have.

Anyway, he said, “Little touch”, clamped the spreader in my Lovey Hole, announced loudly, “Okay, it’s gonna hurt NOW,” and went in for the kill.

Mutherfackerholyjeebusshit.

He wasn’t kidding.

I pressed my fingernails hard into my palms, tensed every muscle and fibre of my being, and gritted through my teeth. I wanted a hand to squeeze, or a bunch of celery to twist, or a bullet to shove...er...or a wintergreen mint to make sparks.

It was over in a minute, but holy craaaap-ola, that was not pleasant.

He put the seat back under my ass, lowered the stirrup chair, and told me he’d have the Pill prescription ready outside when I was dressed. He left, and the nurse smiled at me, handing me a sanitary pad in a box. “You’ll need this”, she said. Fack. “You’ll cramp for a while”, she added, “so take some Motrin.”

Indeed, yes.

I got the cramping, I got the bleeding.

But.

At least it’ll rule out the big ‘C’.

And.

I’m glad they didn’t tell me beforehand.

Or.

I would have been a pathetic excuse for a patient today.

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13 Comments:

At 1:56 PM, Blogger Lucia said...

Been there. That's their way. To lure you in and tell you once you're stirruped in. Them doctors ain't dumb.

My favorite is not mentioning that once they remove the thwackerdoodle or nimshitz node that you'll need 10 years of physical therapy and to stand on your head for 2 days to control bleeding.

 
At 1:59 PM, Blogger Diana said...

So, so sorry! Often, they'll tell you to take some Motrin before hand. Helps the pain and cramping a bit if you've got a load in your system already. Hoping for good news with the results.

 
At 2:22 PM, Blogger Maggie said...

Man that made me cramp up. Ugh. I'm like you, I'm a big baby about Dr. appointments even without the threat of an 'uncomfortable' (ha ha) procedure.

Take care. Thinking about ya.

 
At 3:25 PM, Blogger Miranda said...

I've had a cervical biopsy but the endometrial one sounds worse. Sending lovely chocolate vibes your way.

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger RunLuluRun said...

When this happened to me I almost blacked out and had to miss and extra hour of work because I was so queasey. Yikes! I guess it was better you didn't know ahead of time.

 
At 4:26 PM, Blogger Orange said...

Ooh, my cervix cramps and bleeds in sympathy for yours.

At the beginning of my infertility workup, I had the "dye test," or HSG/hysterosalpingogram, in which dye is injected into the uterus and an X-ray watches where it goes to make sure the uterus and fallopian tubes aren't wacky. Was supposed to be no big deal, just a pinch when the cervix was breached. Except the doc couldn't navigate my trick cervix (fakes left but goes right), so he was hacking away down there. Total Scarface bloodbath, oh yeah. The best part? My clothes were across the hall and down a ways, so I and my blood-soaked exam gown limped down the hall in grand Scarface fashion.

Man, I never get tired of telling my cooter war stories. "I Fought in the Cooter War of 1998." We need clubhouses nationwide for the VCW (Veterans of Cooter Wars). Who wouldn't want to drink beer at the VCW Hall?

 
At 4:52 PM, Blogger Mother of Invention said...

I get a colposcopy once a year and that isn't pleasant but yours sounds worse!
Hope the tests are fine.
(Why don't men ever have this sort of stuff?!!!)

 
At 5:37 PM, Blogger Faith said...

I can't remove the hand that is clamped over my gaping mouth. Fortunately, it is my left hand, and while it is still very difficult to type with just one hand, at least it's my right hand. And I'm right-handed. So that makes it easier.

Holy. Shit.

Please let us know how you're doing! I mean, not that you won't, but man! Clampy thing in the cervix? GAH! OW! Not cool...

Do men realize how much we have to put up with sometimes? DO THEY? They might complain less about having to take out the trash if they did, I think...

 
At 6:02 PM, Blogger meno said...

I think i'm spotting in sympathy with you!

They tried to get me to do this bit once. No way, i replied. I did get to fuck the wand though. that was hot. (Turned out to be polyps, so then i got to have a D&C. Fun times baby!)

I HATE how they never tell you the truth about what to really expect.

 
At 10:15 PM, Blogger Cynical Girl said...

This reminds me of getting my IUD. Now I fear *getting it out* and I'm thinking that I should have put more thought into the process.

Also, the OB stopped in the middle of the IUD insertion and said to the nurse, "I need a bigger speculum."

Lovely. I was a crampy whore.

 
At 10:29 PM, Blogger jo(e) said...

Ow. This sounds horrible. If I lived closer, I would have come and held your hand throughout.

Most importantly, though, I hope you get good news from the test.

 
At 10:49 PM, Anonymous Anonymous, too said...

Ouch.

I hope the doctor gave you a lollipop on your way out...

...and a pint of Jack Daniel's.

Keeping my fingers crossed for good news.

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Teri said...

oh ow. yucky. meh. Sounds just awful...

 

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